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40 Tasteful Ways To Describe An Athletic Kick In The Dong Sports

40 Tasteful Ways To Describe An Athletic Kick In The Dong

Written by Matt Keeley on March 27, 2017
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Why we’re covering this: We’re your top source for breaking schlong news of the day.

On Saturday, May 23, during Game 3 of the NBA Western Conference Finals, Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green kicked Oklahoma City Thunder center Steven Adams smack in the dong. If you missed it, you can watch it from three different camera angles below.

Green kneed Adam in the cajones in Game 2 as well — you can watch it over and over below.

While the NBA struggled with how to penalize Green — they ended up fining him $25,000 — media struggled with how to describe the incident tastefully. Some writers said that he was hit in the groin, penis, nuts or nether region; we said he was socked in the wang. Either way, FiveThirtyEight’s stats mavens noticed the range of euphemisms and compiled a chart of the least and most popular ones.

groin, penis, sports, draymond green, steven adams
Table: FiveThirtyEight.com

While “groin” is the most popular term — and has been for quite a while — the table reveals a severe lack of imagination. “Nuts?” “Low blow?” “Between the legs?” Come on! What has J-school taught you people? There’s all sorts of better terms. Here’s some you can use the next time Green kicks someone in the gigglestick (it’s only a matter of time):

  • Tallywacker
  • Schlong
  • Meat & Two Veg
  • Dooflicker
  • Fool-Sticker
  • Trouser Snake
  • Man-Slammer
  • Jumble Giblets
  • Willy Loman
  • Pork Sword
  • Love Dart
  • Soul Pole
  • Disco Stick
  • Pud
  • Thrill Drill
  • Carnal Stump
  • DNA Rifle
  • Balogney Pony
  • Bearded Blood Sausage
  • Matrimonial Peacemaker
  • Zubrick
  • Herman the One-Eyed German

You’re welcome, sports journalists everywhere.

(Featured image via 正滨 蔡/Flickr)

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