The internet is currently creaming itself over a picture of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s butt. And why shouldn’t they? It’s perfect. Just look at it.
But how does the rest of the world measure up to this perfect slab of Canadian back bacon? Let’s take a closer look.
1. Canada Prime Minister Justin Trudeau
That’s a perfect butt by every measure of butt-quality: firmness, shapeliness, size. A butt that a nation can be proud of.
Butt Rating: 10/10
Ability to Survive a Tumble Down a Flight of Stairs: 10/10
2. Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull
Malcolm Turnbull is a tragic example of what comedian Craig Ferguson dubbed “the man curse”—that is, being too fat and too thin at the same time. Alas, none of his ample flesh has migrated to his backside. Still, we have to give him credit for having the confidence to rock a box-cut at the beach.
Butt Rating: 4/10
Body Confidence: 10/10
3. United Kingdom Prime Minister Theresa May
The UK’s Theresa May has gotten a lot of press for her daring fashion choices but very little press for her butt. And there’s a reason why: it’s not particularly special. It’s not bad, but it’s not amazing. She’s in decent shape for her demographic, but she’s nobody’s fitspiration, either. A perfectly serviceable butt. Better posture might help; the woman poses really awkwardly.
Butt Rating: 7/10
4. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe
Shinzo Abe’s butt is surprisingly difficult to find, considering he spends much of his time bowing at the waist. But here, in a rare glimpse, we see he can almost pull off a low squat (though apparently not a full-Asian one), so we have to assume his glutes are in pretty good condition.
Butt Rating: 8/10
Floral Arrangement: 5/10
5. German Chancellor Angela Merkel
Chancellor Merkel hides her figure under utilitarian, shapeless jackets, practical pants and sensible shoes. And we think that’s a shame, because girl is “thicc af.” There’s a lot of potential hiding under those dowdy duds. Merkel needs to dump her outdated Western-European beauty standards and embrace that ripe peach of hers.
Butt Rating (currently): 5/10
Butt Rating (post-makeover): 8/10
6. President of the People’s Republic of China Xi Jinping
Xi Jinping’s butt is an elusive creature, like the endangered Ili pika. Few images of it exist, possibly due to state censorship. And this rare photo shows why: he’s not proud of it. Look at him, gazing in envy at the superior hindquarters of a Western leader. Not even ruling an emerging superpower with an iron fist can overcome bad body image.
Butt Rating: 3/10
Body Confidence: 0/10
7. President of the United States of America Donald Trump
Donald Trump’s butt is unfortunate. It’s the anti-Trudeau. It’s saggy where it should be firm, small where it should be big, flat where it should be round. And the visible pantyline in the above photo doesn’t help either.
You might think we’re being sexist here. After all, we gave the full-figured Angela Merkel a potential 8, while we’re dragging Trump.
But Merkel’s butt was robust, Reubenesque. It is the butt of a life well-lived.
Whereas Trump’s butt has a sort of deflated quality to it, like it’s been puffed up with hot air and is now leaking. It’s a butt of empty boasting and disappointment. It suits him perfectly.
Butt Rating: 0/10
Butt Suitability: 10/10