A Short, Stupid History of Straight Pride Parades
Ever since the first gay Pride parade was held in 1970, terrible straight people have asked, “What about Straight Pride parades?”
Now, a sensible person understands that heterosexual Pride events aren’t necessary because heterosexuality is not actually persecuted in any way whatsoever.
A bright person might even point out that straight Pride festivals do exist: they’re called called Spring Break.
But all that hasn’t stopped a few attention-hungry homophobes from holding their own straight Pride events. In honor of their questionable activism, here is a short, dumb chronicle of their hilariously misguided activism.
2001: One Lonely High School Student Campaigns for Homophobia
In 2001, a high school in St. Paul, Minnesota set up “safe zones” in which homophobia would not be tolerated. Furious at his school’s blatant intolerance of intolerance, the student proudly held a one-man hetero rights demonstration by donning a T-shirt with the words “Straight Pride” on the front.
His principal asked him to take it off, but the boy was undaunted. He fought his principal’s decision, going so far as to take the school to court. In 2002, a judge ruled that the boy had the right to wear the offensive T-shirt under the First Amendment.
Had I known that the Bill of Rights guaranteed the right to wear offensive apparel in school, I would have told my principal to shove off when he got on my friend’s case for wearing a Marilyn Manson tee-shirt — yes, it was the Mechanical Animals album cover (pictured right).
But that Minnesota boy had a point: America’s high schools are no longer safe spaces for heterosexuality. After all, we all know how straight couples are banned from prom, and how roving gangs of LGBT teens prowl the halls, beating up unstylish peers while shouting, “Nice jorts, het!”
2005: City Councillor Proposes Straight Pride Day, Wimps Out
In Canada’s icy Northwest Territories, Yellowknife city councilor Alan Woytuik proposed a Heterosexual Day in
retaliation response to a request for the city to hold a Gay Pride Day. Woytuik meekly withdrew the proposal a few days later after his suggestion brought nationwide criticism. Man, being attacked for expressing your sexuality sounds terrible; we here at Unicorn Booty can’t imagine what that feels like.
2010: More Dumb High School Kids in Terrible Shirts
One of the students, Steven Boi, said, “People have said Ally Week is for everyone, but after Monday it was clear that it was more designed for homosexual students.”
How appalling that a school would show such a blatant anti-death bias! Thank you, Steven Boi, for encouraging your high school to open its mind and adopt a mortality-neutral policy toward its students.
2011: Straight Pride Day Proposed in Brazil
In 2011, the municipality of São Paulo, Brazil approved a bill proposing that the town declare the third Sunday of every December to be Straight Pride Day. Nice try, but not not even Brazilians can make Straight Pride fun.
Around that time, representative Eduardo Cunha also proposed that the nation celebrate Straight Pride Day every December 3. The bill met with worldwide mockery. Cunha went on to become the President of the Chamber of Deputies in Brazil, where he promoted wholesome family values via money laundering and taking $40 million in bribes. Truly a role model for traditional morality.
2014: Italian Man Promises a Hetero Pride Parade
In 2014, Giuliano Visalli of Etero Pride Italia promised to hold a hetero pride parade on May 17 of that year. We were unable to find any evidence that the parade actually took place. Our request for information from Etero Pride Italia did not receive a response.
However, the organization’s Facebook group displays its most recent public heterosexual activism campaign: disrupting the bastion of homosexual hegemony known as the 2015 Motors Mania show by standing around awkwardly in a tacky booth. This stunning act of bravery managed to attract literally several people.
2015: The Loneliest Straight Pride Parade
In 2015, Anthony Rebello promised to celebrate heterosexuality by holding a massive straight pride parade in Seattle. He invited thousands of people via Facebook, writing: “In the name of equality & equal rights, I have created this event to celebrate our right to be heterosexual, and to encourage younger heterosexuals that they should be proud of their heterosexuality.”
He has a good point: with the Supreme Court’s recent decision in favor of same-sex marriage, heterosexual couples are now at a disadvantage. After all, they don’t get to argue with terrible lumpy county clerks whenever they try to get a marriage license, the poor souls. Pity them.
The parade was held on July 25, 2015. Rebello clutched a bunch of black and white balloons and a “STRAiGhT Pride” sign made of a ragged chunk of cardboard. Proudly clad in the traditional heterosexual male garb of ill-fitting pants, a rumpled T-shirt and an unflattering hat, Rebello marched on Seattle’s Capitol Hill, alone, and we mean alone—literally no one else joined the parade.
Rebello blamed some sort of vague gay terror squad for his parade’s failure, whining, “A lot of heterosexuals don’t want their pictures taken because they are scared of the LGBT community. Look at the way they have treated me.”
With same-sex marriage now a reality in many countries, heterosexuals will continue to suffer under the yoke of legal equality. We can only hope that the new year brings more hilariously stupid, impotent displays of straight pride for the rest of us to point and laugh at.