A Sneak Peek At What’s Next In The GOP And Dem Primaries

A Sneak Peek At What’s Next In The GOP And Dem Primaries

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“Caucus.” Just saying the word feels a little filthy. Maybe it’s that “cock” sound in there, or “cuss,” or how similar it feels to “canker” or “caca.” Whatever the case, caucuses are a bizarre headache that just about everyone either hates or doesn’t understand, and the country seems to be stuck with them.

Nevertheless, this week marked the beginning of the point in the election cycle when normal people start caring about politics, with Bernie and Hillary basically tying for President of Iowa. Trump, mercifully, missed landing first place on the Republican side; but alas, notorious asshole Ted Cruz swooped in and took the number one spot.

The only caucus fun to be had this week involved the underdogs — as in, the long-shot, not-a-chance, give-me-a-fucking-break candidates like Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum.

One of Rick’s precinct volunteers, whose sole job was to round up votes for his candidate, neglected to do so. In fact, he didn’t even vote for Santorum either (for an incredibly dumb reason), resulting in this delightful video below:

Oof, that must’ve hurt for Rick Santorum to watch. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

RELATED: OMG! A Rick Santorum Portrait Made Entirely Out Of Gay Porn (NSFW)

Some of the greatest pleasures of the campaign, however, were reserved for the days after the Iowa caucuses. That’s when the miserable candidates who’ve just been wasting everyone’s time finally had to admit that they never had a shot at becoming president, and that they now must slink back under their Fox News rocks.

Walking disaster Rick Santorum went on MSNBC to promise that he now supports Marco Rubio. But when asked why, he couldn’t come up with a reason. Not one. Not a single justification. “Something that went after insurance companies?” Santorum guessed.

Fun fact: when Santorum isn’t “running” for “president” every four years, he runs a DVD-by-mail scheme. Churches run infomercials for his DVDs, which basically serve as little reminders to the evangelical base that he exists. Not a bad racket.

When Mike Huckabee bowed out, he did it with a joke: “the voters are sick of me,” he quipped. Hahaha! Good one. Wait… is it a joke if it’s true?

With Iowa behind us, all eyes now turn to New Hampshire, where Bernie Sanders is definitely going to win — FiveThirtyEight, the data-journalism site of gay stats wizard Nate Silver, currently rates a Sanders New Hampshire victory as 99 percent likely. Alas for Bernie, he’ll have to work hard to best Clinton in the remaining primary states.

Things are a bit more interesting in New Hampshire on the Republican side. Donald Trump’s been soaring to victory, but oddly enough, the weather might knock him down a bit. That’s because his rivals have been running a strong ground game in the state for the last few weeks, taking advantage of some unseasonably warm weather that’s made door-knocking a breeze. Now, Donald’s parachuting in to campaign for the next few days, but there’s a winter storm hitting the area so he might have some difficultly closing the deal.

That having been said, his chances of winning are still pretty good. Polls have him around 27 percent, and the closest rival, Marco Rubio, is struggling around 19 percent. That’s a lot of ground to make up in just a few days… but stranger things have happened.

Jeb Bush, for what it’s worth, is currently running at 9 percent, a steady decline from this summer. It’s hard to say why Bush is still in this race, especially after his dismal showing this week at a campaign rally when he got to an applause line and was met with silence. “Please clap,” he begged, and hopefully that’s the last we’ll see of him.



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