Totally not gay Republican Illinois Representative Aaron Schock just announced his resignation amid growing ethical scandals. Here’s a quick run-down of the public ethical scandals he’s probably trying to avoid by resigning:
2. He took a mysterious “male companion” along on his business trip to India.
3. He took a private, taxpayer-funded flight to a Chicago Bears football game.
4. He has dishonestly charged the U.S. government for untraveled travel miles on his vehicle.
5. He used his office to conduct numerous sketchy real-estate deals.
Worry not! The Marie Antoinette Of Congress, as we shall now call him, will still receive a very public beheading and a likely cushy job after he’s done distancing himself from the national GOP. Grab your popcorn — it will be glorious.