Aaron Schock, The Marie Antoinette Of Congress, Resigns. Here’s Why…

Totally not gay Republican Illinois Representative Aaron Schock just announced his resignation amid growing ethical scandals. Here’s a quick run-down of the public ethical scandals he’s probably trying to avoid by resigning:

1. He accepted conspicuous donations from super-expensive furniture to having his office decorated like a room from Downton Abbey.

2. He took a mysterious “male companion” along on his business trip to India.

3. He took a private, taxpayer-funded flight to a Chicago Bears football game.

4. He has dishonestly charged the U.S. government for untraveled travel miles on his vehicle.

5. He used his office to conduct numerous sketchy real-estate deals.

6. He wore a turquoise belt with a magenta plaid shirt and white slacks while continuing to support anti-gay legislation. Because he’s straight.

Worry not! The Marie Antoinette Of Congress, as we shall now call him, will still receive a very public beheading and a likely cushy job after he’s done distancing himself from the national GOP. Grab your popcorn — it will be glorious.

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