This is a chocolate bunny with diamonds for eyes. It took 48 hours of hand-carving by Martin Chiffers, the former chef décor of Harrods, to make it. The life-size confection is from luxury British retailer VeryFirstTo and it costs $49,000.
You will not wake up next Easter and discover that the Easter Bunny has delivered this edible extravagance to your home, gently nestled in your little woven plastic basket from Dollar Tree. This will not happen because you are not rich, and because none of your rich acquaintances are planning on dropping that kind of scratch on you. But be grateful; thanks to these facts, you will dodge the following unpleasantness:
1. Look at old-timey mug shots of the wildest, most crazed criminals. Always with the beady eyes spaced far apart. Always. That gaze of no fixed moral center, shooting off in more than one direction at once. Now look at this thing’s “face.” It wants to murder you. At the very least it appears to be quite upset. Beware, because in horror movies, shit like this comes alive when you least expect it.
2. It appears to be holding a small chocolate penis in its paw. Perhaps the small chocolate penis is meant to resemble an acorn. But it looks very much like a dick. A tiny little weird acorn-shaped dick.
3. You’d better be hungry. Your new best food-friend weighs 11 pounds. Can you, when not high, put away an entire 16-ounce bag of chocolate chips by yourself? You can? Good, here’s 11 of them. And no, you’re not allowed to be like, “Well, just give me the ear, that seems manageable.” You start at the base of that thing, that gigantic round slab of rabbit pedestal, a solid pound of chocolate disc, and then you work your way up to diamond-land. By the time it’s over you’re going to feel like you traded places with the back end of the Human Centipede. Meanwhile, they claim you can freeze it for later consumption. But have you seen your freezer lately? You put this in there for a month and when you’re finally ready to polish it off it’s going to taste like stale lasagna.
4. Hi, sad little rabbit shits near the feet. You’re gold-leafed and all, which costs a ton, and you’re supposed to be eggs, maybe abandoned by a chicken with emeralds for wings, but the truth is that you appear to be fecal in nature, and you’re probably the reason the rabbit looks angry, as he is now forced to stand in his own waste.
5. Those diamonds. They’re from 77 Diamonds, an online jewelry retailer, and that part of the bunny alone is worth like $37,000. You, as unfortunate recipient, will have to gouge them out of their chocolate setting, leaving your hippity, hoppity, 11-pound, diabetes machine looking like the victim of animal mutilation. Then what will you do with loose diamonds? Just put them in safety deposit box and go look at them sometimes like Sharon Stone in Casino until they drive you mad? Barter with a jeweler to have them mounted into a ring with a two-diamond tower fixed in the center? Maybe trade the $12,000 slab of rabbit-shaped chocolate for that? It all seems like a giant hassle now, doesn’t it?