I’ve watched every video for Eurovision 2015 and just like every year, there’s about 15 really slow songs about heartbreak or croissants or whatever — I dunno; I’m not multi-lingual, gah! But there’s also a handful of kickass performances that totally make up for the boring ones.
Here’s my take on the best and worst Eurovision 2015 has to offer; and it’s okay if you disagree because, yeah well, y’know that’s just like, your opinion.
The two standout messes this year were France and Spain because their green screen budget was about the same as car dealership commercial in the middle of Kansas. Girl, let’s step up the slayage! Seriously. Let’s review…
France’s Lisa Angell has a great voice but her video is literally just a bunch of elderly randos ambling around ocean ruins with a lantern. If someone read medical warnings over it, it’d basically be a commercial for joint pain medication.
Oh, do you find that amusing? Well her song is also about a town destroyed by war and a plea from its dead citizens not to be forgotten. Still laughing now? You’re a monster.
Edurne is like the poor Spanish lovechild of Stevie Nicks and Christina Aguilera, and the video for her song “Amanecer” (“Daybreak”) looks just like Peter Jackson’s Return of the King — that’s not a compliment.
In it, she and her perfect-haired boyfriend run around a green screen looking way too clean and well-dressed for Middle Earth. Later, she literally visits Mount Doom. There’s also an eagle and a magic ring. All that’s missing is Gandalf. Surprisingly, the song is not about a copyright infringement lawsuit.
Before I get to the good stuff, I just wanna say there’s a lot of beautiful men in the competition this year — haaaaay I see you Mr. Azberbaijan!!! Yes, take me to your country. Or, haaay Mr. Israel, I’ll come visit you only after you give some land to the Palestinians. Ah shit, he blocked me online! Oh well…
In my last article, I said I thought Sweden and Belarus are gonna win, but that doesn’t mean they have the best videos; no ma’am. With so many to choose from, my top five favorite videos cut through the clutter that inevitably happens when you invite so many countries with questionable taste to compete. Here’s the best…
This sweet wood nymph Melanie Rene from Switzerland is one of my favorites overall. She presents us with “Time to Shine” and it couldn’t be truer. She is giving me woodland goddess with her fur and raccoon eye makeup, and then she switches to glamor with some fucking fringe jacket!!! You know I love fringe. Girl, tell me where you got that damn jacket!!
However, at the live performance, she is giving me Miss Teen New Jersey and just stands there. Girl, no! You need to serve me some more woodland goddess!
To be honest, I didn’t see Germany jumping up this high on my list but Ann Sophie is delivering me to Jesus with “Black Smoke!” At first when I heard it, I was like, “Girl, I don’t know about them vocals!!!” but she came through.
Plus, her outfit is cute as hell — look at that shit! She has this white jacket thing trimmed with black fringe. I fuggin’ love fringe! I BECOME UNHINGED FOR MUTHAFUGGIN’ FRINNNNGE!!! Even her earrings have fringe things! Yes, girl give me all the fringe.
At first, you think she’s just going to be boring and corporate like a female executive from Volkswagon or some crap and just stand there. But then she’s bopping around the sage! I love you Ann Sophie!! Let’s eat schnitzel together.
I’m not sure I know that much about Macedonia except that it gave us a bae named Daniel Kajmakoski and his song “Autumn Leaves.” You don’t actually see him in the video until like the end because the whole concept is him like, making a flip book of about his first love and heartbreak. It’s so meta! Yeah, it sounds cheesy, but I got really invested in his cute stick figures. Plus, I like cartoons, alright?! GET OFF MY BACK!!!
I chose Latvia’s Aminata singing “Love Injected” because her song is giving me FKA Twigs realness and so is her outfit. She’s wearing these gold armlets that match her gold neck extender — how she’s singing in it, I’m not sure. Wait a minute! Is it helping her sing better?!? Someone get me a judge!
Anyway, her red dress is flowing enough for her ass to just stand there and do some arm movements, and she still looks all regal and amazing. Girl, go twirl! Seriously. Who needs to prance around when you got bearing and style?
And her song would be perfect to make out to — you know it would. It’ll be playing next time I trick someone into coming over and drinking Boone’s Strawberry Hill with me.
I’m going to go ahead put Paulina Gagarina’s “A Million Voices” on this list because I love the message of the song and the video is totes cute. It’s not just focused on her beautifully chiseled face but showcases the many different types of people in the world — most of whom are white-skinned? Seriously. There’s Asian families, mother and daughters, some unidentifiable brown people, it’s cute, but they’re mostly white. Why is that?!
On, and you know who else I didn’t see in her video? Gay couples. Yeah, I see you Putin and Russia. Wanting to promote togetherness without the gays. Well, no one wants your borscht anyways! You may wonder why I chose this video if I’m just gonna rag on it for being all racist and homophobic, but I put it as my fifth choice, alright? Art isn’t perfect. Just look at Different Strokes.
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Additional writing and snarkiness provided by Unicorn Booty editor Daniel Villarreal