Here’s What We Stuck Up Our Butts in 2016

The sports blog Deadspin continued their annual holiday tradition of looking through the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits to see what weird objects people inserted into their holes over the last year. While you should check out their entire list, here’s what people put into their butts (we included the objects that made us cringe the least anyways):

• “USING A VIBRATOR LAST NIGHT, THOUGHT WAS INSERTING IN VAGINA, INTERRUPTED BY MOM & SAT UP QUICKLY, INSERTED IN RECTUM, CAN’T REMOVE”

• WINE CORK WRAPPED IN PAPER TOWELS, ELECTRICAL TAPE & A CONDOM

• 10 BROKEN CRAYONS (because brown is so dull)

• FLASHLIGHT (it’s dark up there)

• 2 DILDOS (getting ready for New Year’s?)

• PLASTIC MELATONIN BOTTLE

• POSSIBLE SHOT GLASS (possible?)

• “RECTAL FISSURE MASTURBATING FOR HER BOYFRIEND USING A HAIRBRUSH IN HER RECTUM YESTERDAY”

• EGG TIMER

• CURTAIN ROD

• HANDLE OF A TOILET BOWL BRUSH (it’s a bowl cleaner, not a b-hole cleaner)

• HAMMER

• “SMILEY HAND TOY FROM VENDING MACHINE, MOM NOTED A RUBBER HAND PROTRUDING FROM RECTUM”

• BINGO DAUBER

• BINGO CHIP

• DECORATIVE PUMPKIN (feeling festive and expecting guests!)

• BOWLING PIN

• “SHOESHINE CONTAINER ALLEGEDLY INTOXICATED DID NOT KNOW GF INSERTED OBJECT”

• TUB DRAIN CAP

• WIFE’S SIX INCH VIBRATOR (it isn’t as long as you might think)

• BROOM HANDLE (playing Quidditch again?)

• BASEBALL (definitely a catcher)

• SALT SHAKER (lost in Margaritaville)

 

If that horrible “One Guy, One Jar” video taught us anything, it’s that you should only put retrievable sex toys in your butt—anything else is just asking for trouble.