Super Bowl LI will be viewed by millions this Sunday, as the Atlanta Falcons take on the New England Patriots. (Of course, for a large chunk of our audience, the Super Bowl is little more than the pre- and post-show for Lady Gaga’s upcoming halftime show.) Since we’re in no way qualified to discuss the actual stats and projections of the big game, we’ve decided to discuss it in a way that really hits close to home—by ranking the two teams’ hottest football players.
Below are 32 players from the Falcons and the Patriots:
Yeah, we may have left off a team’s more famous “right back quarter wing” for a less popular “half junior lineman”—excuuuuuuse us. These players were picked randomly from the “first” column of something called a depth chart. Tom Brady was on there, so we’re assuming we did something right.
For our first bracket, we let the Unicorn Booty staff do most of the work. Our editorial team narrowed down the number of macho men by answering completely NSFW questions. It went a little something like this:
The staff’s narrowing down of sexy man meat brought us to a solid (and we do mean solid) 16 hot pigskin players. Coincidentally, we ended up with an even number of players from both the Falcons and the Patriots.
For the second round, we thought it only fitting to lay out images of the remaining 16. That’s when things got a little tougher.
Ricardo Allen (Falcons) vs. Patrick Chung (Patriots)
Damn. Right off the bat we see that choosing is gonna be rough. Not knowing a single thing about either two men, things needed to get superficial, and quick. Between his squatting position and sensual glare, Chung moves to the next round.
Malcolm Butler (P) vs. Julio Jones (F)
Butler’s gentle gaze reads like “I wanna make love to you,” which is nice. But Jones’ matter-of-fact look that says “I’m gonna fuck you” edges him into the lead.
Julian Edelman (P) vs. Devonta Freeman (F)
While Freeman has an angelic glow in the picture above, try taking one look at Edelman and not screaming “DAAAAAAMN DADDY” at the top of your lungs, which obviously pulls him ahead.
Matt Ryan (F) vs. Chris Hogan (P)
Don’t get us wrong, Hogan is hot. But he’s attractive in that American Psycho or Dexter kind of way. Also, through some hard investigative journalism, we found out that Matt Ryan is the quarterback for the Falcons, which pushes him into the quarterfinals. We’d love to know how he keeps that twink-like physique after throwing so many balls.
Rob Ninkovich (P) vs. Alex Mack (F)
How on earth could we choose between these two beefy slabs of mancake? Easy—pick the man who shares a name with a beloved ’90s children’s show about a girl who can liquefy herself.
Matt Bosher (F) vs. Stephen Gostkowski (P)
Gostkowski and Bosher can most certainly join us in the bedroom anytime—together, even, if they’re into that kinda thing. But in terms of who should move forward, a surprising (and accurate) comparison to the lovable Phil Dumphy takes Gostkowski to the next round.
Deion Jones (F) vs. Chris Long (P)
While Chris Long looks like he’s dirty in a good kind of way, Deion Jones is simply foine. So fine that it led one of our staff writers to comment, “Deion Jones makes my day,” and any man who can make our staff happy deserves a spot in the next round.
Tom Brady (P) vs. Jonathan Babineaux (F)
Putting aside Tom Brady’s ‘civil partnership’ with Trump, he’s one of the leading quarterbacks in the nation (or so we hear) and is known for his good looks, too. Maybe we could even hate-fuck those conservative tendencies right out of him.
For the quarterfinals, we thought it only fair to find a second image of each player. We know how hard it can be to run around getting all sweaty, grunting and tackling groups of men and still catch the right lighting.
Julio Jones (F) vs Patrick Chung (P)
We are all about Chung’s sleeve of tattoos, but we’re not about that peach fuzz under his chin. Julio Jones, on the other hand, looks like he’s straight up channelling Paris Is Burning. Any man who can vogue while showing off his muscles deserves to head to our semifinals.
Julian Edelman (P) vs. Matt Ryan (F)
When we found this picture of Edelman without a beard, our hearts wept. That being said, he’s still smokin’ hot without it, and he moves ahead. Ryan may be a quarterback, but he has the sexual appeal of a dry handjob—definitely not your first choice, but you’ll gladly take it over nothing.
Alex Mack (F) vs. Stephen Gostkowski (P)
In the battle of ‘big daddy bear’ vs ‘adorkable daddy,’ Gostkowski is the clear winner. Something about his bottom lip in the picture above reads “chew on me for hours.” If there’s a place to apply, Steve, just let us know.
Tom Brady (P) vs. Deion Jones (F)
Without the scruff, Brady sort of looks like a mopey skeleton. He’s definitely the vanilla ice cream of the NFL. We’d watch Deion Jones lick his lips all day and all night.
For the semifinals, we took the players off the field and checked into their Instagram accounts. We like our men to be well-versed, and nothing is a more accurate presentation of someone’s sex appeal than social media.
Deion Jones (F) vs. Julian Edelman (P)
We’re all about that Skittles life, Deion. I mean, what’s gayer than “tasting the rainbow”? Unfortunately for Jones, Julian Edelman’s suavely coifed hair, thick burly beard and precious chagrin earn him a place in our finals.
Julio Jones (F) vs. Stephen Gostkowski (P)
This decision was made slightly easier by the fact that Julio Jones kills it on Instagram, and Gostkowski, well … doesn’t. We challenge you to find any picture of him that could match Jones’ debonair look. Plus, Jones is challenging gender norms with those bomb-ass pink headphones.
We finally made it. We’re at the last stage of ranking all the hot football players of Sunday’s upcoming Super Bowl LI, and we still have one player from both the Falcons and the Patriots. Doesn’t objectifying men’s looks, regardless of their physical talent feel great?
Since this is the Super Bowl of bodacious bros, we collected several images of each player to be fair and just (not just for the man candy views).
Julio Jones (Falcons) vs. Julian Edelman (Patriots)
We’ve definitely put ourselves into a Sophie’s Choice conundrum of hot hunks. While our eyes were immediately directed towards Edelman and his shirtless picture, Julio Jones has some dapper suit pics that drew us back to him, his sultry jaw line and fierce brow. Then we returned back to Edelman’s glorious beard. This back and forth man-gazing went on for a few hours. But we can only have one winner, and in the battle of beard vs. brow, the winner is …
Julio Jones, wide receiver for the Atlanta Falcons
Well, there you have it. Jones is the hottest player in this year’s Super Bowl, and you now have a reason to watch! Let’s be clear, though—the real winner? All of us.
Did you agree with the winner of our Hot Football Players Bracket: Super Bowl LI Edition? Did we miss an important player? Are you just excited for the halftime show? Let us know in the comments, or by tweeting us @UnicornBooty.