If you absolutely don’t want to get laid on Valentine’s Day, get your lady a gift that infers her vagina is as loose as the “before” pants in a diet ad. And while you’re at it, get her a gift certificate for a facelift. You’ll probably end up alone in your man-cave playing video games with the kegel game controller, after she shoves it up your ass.
On the other hand, there’d be nothing more rewarding that a mother of four could buy for her husband than one of the kegel exercisers below. What would he rather you buy: sexy lingerie that stays on for a minute or a lifetime of Barely Legal snugness?
The kGoal Smart Kegel Trainer device tracks the strength of your vaginal muscles and puts the data into an easy-to-understand smartphone app. The device got nearly triple its Kickstarter goal of $90,000. Yes, a device for recording your vaginal strength crowdfunded over a quarter of a million dollars — ladies must’ve wanted it now.
But kGoal isn’t the only champion of pelvic floor tightness. A Chinese gaming company also developed Smart Kegel Exercise Aid (SKEA), a product that allows women to play video games with a controller that sits comfortably in their vaginas. Imagine, blowing your personal best on Bejeweled out of the water or reaping your most successful harvest yet on Farmville!
There’s no word yet whether rectal equivalent version for gaymers will be available anytime soon.
If these devices aren’t up your, umm, alley, there’s other apps available to help keep it tight. Apple users can download the myKegel – Kegel Exercise Trainer which constantly reminds you to contract your vaginal floor while at the office or grocery store.
You might also pick up KegelTunes, an app that guides you through different kegel exercises while you jam out to your favorite tunes — though we wonder which songs make for the best clam jams. KegelTunes got five out of five stars from fifteen of sixteen reviewers. The only criticism came from a user who felt disappointed by the lack of a vibration option.
Remember in the nineties when oiled up men and women in spandex did Tae-Bo and 8-Minute Abs? Jane Fonda and Suzanne Somers peddled the Thigh-Master and home-fitness videos to suburban housewives. Before he roundhouse-kicked his way to world domination, Chuck Norris helped raised a generation of daddy chasers by appearing in infomercials for BowFlex.
Back in those days, women had to get their kegel fitness tips from their vegetarian friends and monthly issues of Cosmopolitan. But now vaginal floor health is getting it’s long-awaited day in the digital sun.
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