Joan Rivers Jokes: 16 Unapologetic One-Liners from the Queen of Comedy

Joan Rivers Jokes: 16 Unapologetic One-Liners from the Queen of Comedy

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We round-up 16 of our favorite Joan Rivers jokes.

Joan Rivers was the queen of comedy. Bold, brash and opinionated, Rivers went where many comics dared not to go. Whether they like to admit it or not, she blazed the trail for women like Chelsea Handler, Sarah Silverman and Kathy Griffin who stand on the legacy Rivers built for female comics.

When she passed away in September 2014, the world laughed a bit less. Her controversial humor is still brought up today for no one has adequately been able to uphold her ability to make people laugh. No holds barred.

Rivers once said, “We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.”

From laughing about her husband’s suicide to explaining why she’s against gay marriage, here are Joan Rivers jokes reminding us why she is simply the best.

Here are 16 Joan Rivers jokes we love:

1. I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

2. My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

3. The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only 28-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?

4. I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

5. Lindsay Lohan said she wouldn’t mind being under oath because she thought Oath was a Norwegian ski instructor.

6. My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

7. I blame myself for David Gest. It was me who told Liza Minnelli to find herself a man who wouldn’t sleep with other women.

8. Why the green lips? It looks like she just blew the Grinch. Talk about Christmas coming early.

9. My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

10. All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

11. Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

12. I don’t exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

13. People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

14. I am so against gay marriage because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

15. As I get older, I’m going to a lot more funerals, and let me tell you something, it’s a great pick-up scene. A graveside funeral is live eHarmony for the bereaved.

16. With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.

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