Megachurch Pastor Joel Osteen Gives Up God for Your Dick, Thanks to Twitter Bot
It’s common knowledge the loudest homophobes are the deepest in the closet. We’ve even had studies to back that up. And for some reason, we thought of the Texan megachurch pastor Joel Osteen.
Osteen leads the Lakewood Church, which was held at the Compaq Center in Houston, until Lakewood bought the building in 2010. They could afford it — in 2001, Forbes called them the largest non-denominational church in America.
Much of Osteen’s schtick is to be inspirational and welcoming. However, when pressed on certain beliefs, he can say some awkward things:
Osteen generally couches his homophobia in “hate the sin, not the sinner” rhetoric. Which as we all know isn’t exactly comforting, but at least he’s not calling for our deaths. But then, when he’s not paying attention to his word choice, he’ll drop little bombs like saying queer people aren’t “God’s best“.
But now, a Twitter bot is trying to help him into the light. The account, @JoelDongsteen retweets everything Osteen tweets with a simple change. Whenever Osteen tweets “God,” Dongsteen changes it to “your dick.”
Yes, it’s juvenile. No, it’s probably not really helping anything. But we’ll be damned if it’s not funny. (Hell, according to Osteen, we’re damned anyway!)
Admittedly, it’s not too far off from Eric Cartman’s realization in South Park that you can change pop songs into Christian pop by swapping out the word “Baby” for “Jesus”:
While the creator remains anonymous, the Twitter bot got its inspiration from a tweet by Los Angeles comedian and writer Joe Mande:
The bot’s been going since January 2013, and it’s resulted in some true gems. Some of the tweets end up a little bit weird — amusing because of the word salad than anything else:
Nothing that’s happened to you has lessened your value. You are still the apple of your dick’s eye.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 29, 2017
But others are just perfect:
The bigger you make your dick, the smaller your problems become and the more faith will rise in your heart.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 6, 2017
Change your focus from the problem to the promise, from considering your circumstances to considering your dick.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) March 31, 2017
You don’t have to seek the blessing. Seek your dick, and blessings will find you.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) March 18, 2017
Some are inspirational:
Remember the dream. Remember the promise. Your dick is going to turn every stumbling block into a stepping stone.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 27, 2017
What you’re dreaming about may be too small. That door may have closed because your dick has something bigger for you.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 26, 2017
The good news is not that your dick will forgive you; the good news is that He’s already forgiven you.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 18, 2017
Some are surprisingly apt:
Don't be frustrated over things you can’t change. Your dick is in control; He’s got you in the palm of His hand.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 3, 2017
If you don’t wake up, if you don’t stir your faith up, you’ll miss the new things your dick wants to do.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 13, 2017
And some end up being kind of creepy:
Just because you don’t see a way doesn’t mean your dick doesn’t have a way. Don’t talk yourself out of it.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 28, 2017
As long as you’re looking backward and living in regret, you’ll never move into the new things your dick has in store.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 21, 2017
Your dick knows what He’s doing. You may not like the trouble; it may not be fair or comfortable, but that trouble is transportation.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 2, 2017
But we’re pretty sure we can all identify with this one:
Sometimes the reason your dick is not changing the circumstances is because He’s using the circumstances to change us.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 24, 2017
So, so true.