Millions of aging bears and older gay film fans have begun preparing their torches and pitchforks in case Tilda Swinton and Idina Menzel fuck up their respective rumored re-makes of Auntie Mame and Beaches.
Gay film fans had their hackles raised earlier this week when screenwriter Annie Mumolo told Vanity Fair that Swinton asked her to pen a modern-day adaptation of the beloved 1958 film classic about an eccentric aunt raising a precocious young boy. Similarly, film-queens got nervous when the Lifetime Network announced their plans to present a 2017 remake of the tear-jerking 1988 dramedy Beaches starring Idina Menzel (aka. Adele Dazeem) as plucky singer C.C. Bloom.
“Those movies mean the world to me,” said some movie-loving bear that I made up. “Without them I am nothing. Lucille Ball already tried to ruin Auntie Mame in 1974 with her horrible remake that absolutely everyone hates. I hope Tilda Swinton doesn’t try the same thing because Lucille Ball is dead to me now, and doing Mame is what killed her.”
It should be noted that Lucille Ball died in 1989 of aortic dissection.
“Ooooh, and Beaches too,” piped up some nearby imaginary ex-twink in his late 50s. “Bette Midler absolutely slayed as C.C. Bloom in Beaches — she has so much passion, humor, foibles, grace, and so much humanity. And every time I hear ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’, I die. I’ll drown myself and everyone I know if the Beaches remake is shit.”
He continued, “Idina Menzel has only ever played an Ice Witch and a witch witch in Wicked. If she tries to cast her spell on Beaches and screws it up, I’ll hire a real witch to keep Menzel from ever ruining any other remakes.”
We should remember that Menzel’s performance in Wicked helped make the Wizard of Oz-based musical one of the most successful Broadway shows of all time. Similarly, her performance as Elsa the Ice Queen earned Frozen over a billion dollars in under two years.
Auntie Mame, for those who don’t know, is a quick-witted semi-autobiographical comedy written by gay author Patrick Dennis about a New York City socialite who fights a fusty, conservative banker over the upbringing of her orphaned nephew. Mumolo, the writer asked to adapt Auntie Mame, is best known for Bridesmaids, a film that involves a woman shitting in a sink and another pooping on a public crosswalk. Bridesmaids is the director’s highest grossing film of all time.
Beaches is about a lifelong friendship between two close friends, one of whom becomes mortally ill in the final act. We can certainly trust Lifetime with such sensitive and heartfelt material. After all, they are the makers of such fine films as Co-Ed Call Girl and Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? — both starring Tori Spelling!