‘Mom And Dad, I’m Gay And Also Stronger Than You, So Don’t Try Any Shit’
Mom, Dad, there’s something we have to talk about. I’ve been wanting to tell you this for some time, and I want you to know that while I’m fully aware this might be difficult for you to hear, remember, I am still your son, and I love you very much: Mom, Dad, I’m gay, and so help me God, I am stronger than the both of you, and I won’t hesitate to beat you back to the Stone Age if you give me any shit about this.
I know this must be tough for you. I understand this isn’t how you expected your son to turn out, and I know you might be disappointed, but just remember that I go to the gym seven days a week and can bench-press 275 pounds easy. I take excellent care of my body, so while you can be upset, you better be careful and watch how you handle yourselves here, because if you so much as make a sarcastic remark or do anything to take advantage of how vulnerable I am right now, this will end ugly for the both of you.
Bottom line: I was born this way. It wasn’t a choice. It was, however, a choice to develop huge biceps like this, so take a good long look at them before you think of uttering a hurtful or bigoted remark.
I have been in a relationship with another man for the past two years. You’ve met him. His name is Tony, and he’s not my roommate, he’s my boyfriend. We’re in love, and if I so much as see a pained expression cross your faces because you’re imagining Tony and I together, or because you thought I would marry Jennifer—which was always a completely ridiculous notion—Mom, Dad, I’ll literally take you down and start kneeing you in the stomach. I seriously will. Over and over again. Also, Tony is a little stronger than me so I definitely wouldn’t mess with him, either.
Tony and I are going to adopt children. We’re going to raise a family. You are going to have grandchildren, and you’re going to love them. Dad, you’re going to teach them all the things you taught me, and Mom, they’re going to call you Grandma, and you are going to be so thrilled to be a major part of their lives that my being gay will be the last thing on your mind.
So come here right now and give me a hug or I’ll knock your fucking heads off