3-some - 3 way
3-some - 3 way

Naked Truth: How to Host the Best Orgy on the Block

There are two ways to host an orgy. The first is to slap one together haphazardly like a hungover brunch with your hungover friends on a hungover Sunday morning. While sending out a couple of group texts & a tweet might seem easy and adventurous let me tell you, a mal-hosted orgy of your Instagram followers (#orgyinten) will quickly dissolve into a hotbed of STIs, failed orgasms, over-drugged wastedness and downright danger.

The second (and best) way is to just come out and say it—in calligraphy print, on nice paper invitations— “I’m having an orgy! And you’re invited!” As with any social gathering masterfully planned, there’s etiquette to be followed and plans to be, ahem, laid in order to throw this summer’s hottest group-sex event.

First, the term “orgy” is so ’70s and ironically sounds like some sort of STD. “Play party” is more modern, though usually linked to kink, so make sure to be specific on your invite. Act like you’re on the prom committee and get thematic: is this party gender- or sexuality-specific, singles-only, kink-focused, members-only, under-the-sea aquatic? Do not make your theme “50 Shades of…” anything.

Carefully finesse your guest list. Stick to people you personally know (or have at least met). Cross-reference your list to dodge awkward-as-HELLLLLLL ex-run-ins, professional connections and non-consensual douchebags.

Make sure your orgy virgin-to-pro ratio is at least 1:3. Having a bunch of nervous nellies naked in your living room won’t get anyone off. Invite single friends or open couples who are comfortable with their sexuality and ballsy enough to make the first move. Be sure to invite that one charismatic orgy veteran you know will be first to drop trou.

Whether printed on recycled paper or sent through Facebook, your invitation should clearly state what kind of sex to expect (BDSM, anal-only, female-bodied-only?), whether or not guests should BYO sex toys/gear and a list of your house rules. A list of house rules are not optional at a good, safe sex party. Here are some suggestions:

CONSENT IS NOT OPTIONAL. You must ask for and receive consent for any and all touching & watching. Any non-consensual bullshit will get you bounced.

Practicing safer-sex is mandatory.

No drugs. No drunkenness.

No cell phones. No recording. No pictures. No Snapchat. You’re at an orgy, anyway: you should have more interesting things in your hands than your phone.

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(image via David Tubau)

Take your clothes off promptly. (Being clothed at an orgy is like being naked at the grocery store — it’s just wrong).

Watching is okay, but only with permission and in limited intervals. While observing can clue you in on how an orgy might work, ogling is rude. No heckling. No commentary.

This isn’t a contest. You don’t get a point for every person you F, nor must you F them all. You are allowed to have standards; just be polite with your turn-downs. No verbal bashing, put-downs or shaming.

Don’t blow it all on one person, and remember to share. That is, don’t just fuck one person the whole time. Sharing is caring. Remember: orgies are for exploring, not for boring.

Communicate with your partner(s): If attending as a couple, please set guidelines with your partner before the party. Orgy drama is the worst. Will you only be participating as a unit? Whom can you play with and whom should you avoid? Is your ex attending? Know these things.

And, again: CONSENT IS NOT OPTIONAL.

Have a clothing check, a cell phone check, an invite list, and your house rules posted at the door. Designate a sober, non-participating friend as “orgy MC” who will be enforcing house rules, bouncing rule-breakers and generally handling all disaster-preparedness actions.

Keep your guests comfortable while assuming all surfaces will get drenched in either bodily fluids or lube. If hosting at your place, ask guests to BYO (clean!) blankets, sheets or even mattresses. If reserving a handful of adjoining hotel suites, keep it above Motel 6 quality and your intentions discreet, as an obvious orgy could lead to some unwelcome party crashers. Tip the cleaning crew.

Provide low-alcohol content drinks. Though many will require a little liquid courage to dive into the orgy ocean, avoid rows of tequila shots as hammered sex isn’t consensual or good, especially in large numbers. Keep everyone’s energy up with light, sensual snacks like chocolate and fruit. Though play parties were made popular in the ’60s, it is 2015 and fondue should be avoided at all costs.

(image via novacainstain)
(image via novacainstain)

Keep a variety of both latex & non-latex condoms, gloves and dental dams available in candy dishes around the house or stuffed into a pinata! Set up a lube bar with bottles of latex-compatible, glycerin- and paraben-free favorites like Yes water-based, Good Clean Love and, but(t) of course, Sassy Booty Formula.

Have a box of clean, non-porous sex toys for guests to rifle through, along with available sex toy cleaning stations for partner switches. Project tasteful, artsy porn like those directed by Andrew Blake onto a wall or hire a friend to play porn-DJ. While keeping Beyonce on blast will keep everyone feeling Sasha Fierce, nothing will kill a train faster than Justin Bieber. Other things to avoid include patchouli incense, velour and sleepy substances like weed.

Finally, remember that while any good host(ess) makes their guests’ enjoyment a number one priority, you don’t have to be the only one giving out party favors. After all, it’s your party and you can cum if you want to.

(Featured image via kedai lelaki)


Yana Tallon-Hicks is Unicorn Booty’s sex and relationship advice columnist. Yana currently studies Marriage and Family Therapy at Antioch University in the hopes of becoming the best damn queer sex therapist in the land. She received her undergrad in sexuality studies and sex education and has worked as a sex educator at sex toy shops Good Vibrations and She Bop. Her columns on sex and sexual culture have appeared in the Valley Advocate, Curve, Bitch, Autostraddle.com, and The Toast. Find her at Facebook and on Instagram @the_vspot.

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