Pokémon, Pokémoan, Pokémon Go, dildos, sex toys, Charmander, Bulbasaur, Squirtle, Pikachu
Pokémon, Pokémoan, Pokémon Go, dildos, sex toys, Charmander, Bulbasaur, Squirtle, Pikachu

OMG. Pokémon Sex Toys Are Now An Actual Thing

This post is also available in: Português

Considering that one safe-sex educator recently created a condom Pokémon (tagline: “There are some things you don’t want to catch”), it shouldn’t really surprise anyone that the Etsy shop GeekySexToys has started selling (ahem) Pokémoan dildos and buttplugs (tagline: “Gotta get ’em all!”).

Set your clocks to count down to the inevitable copyright lawsuit…

RELATED: The 15 Pokémon That Totally Turned Me Gay

RELATED: Of Course Pokémon Go Dick Pics Are Now A Thing

The silicone toys come in four varieties depending on your particular brand of sexual geekery and each of ’em cost 50 U.S. dollars each. Here’s the chortle inducing descriptions for each one (and we’ve even translated their centimeter measurements into inches because we live in America, god dammit):

’Bulby’ – A grass type Pokémoan. Bulby has a large seed tip making it a very pleasurable friend to have. It’s seed is 2 inches wide and 1.5 inches tall and its body is 6.2 inches tall and1.3 inches wide.

‘Charmy’ – A slightly thinner, fire type Pokémoan with a flaming tail. Standing 7 inches tall and 1.5 inches wide at its widest point Charmy gives intense orgasms everywhere it goes.

‘Squirty’ – A water Pokémoan. Squirty has a smooth round head with a large grooved turtle shell on its back. Its bubbly head measures 1.5 inches  wide whilst his body measures 2.3 inches wide and 5.5 inches tall.

‘Piky’ – This small electric type anal Pokémoan is a perfect size for the average Pokémoan trainer. Piky is an extremely cute yet essential addition to your team. Its insertable size is 1 inch wide by 1.5 inches tall and his tail is 3.1 inches long.

Charmander, Pokémon, monster, creature, fire
He wants to fuck you.

Let us pause for a second to smile/gag over the idea of a Charmander giving “intense orgasms everywhere it goes.” In fact, the idea of any of cute cartoonish creature sticking their Poké-parts inside of anyone is a bit much; it’s basically beastiality, and if that’s your bag, you also should consider buying the unicorn dildo we mentioned last year.

If you buy all four Pokémoan dildos, you’ll even get a Pokéball-style carrying case so that your nerdy sexual partner will totally geek out before you decide whether to sodomize them with a fire, plant or electric Pokémon. And if that’s not enough, GeekySexToys also has butt toys shaped liked Star Wars light sabers and Sailor Moon’s wand, so there’s that. Just don’t let your kids get a hold of ’em, eh?