For $20, This Person Will Provide a Detailed Critique of Your Penis

For $20, This Person Will Provide a Detailed Critique of Your Penis

Be first to like this.

It’s difficult to get an honest and impartial assessment of your penis. Most penises average somewhere around 5.16 inches in length when erect, but if you ask friends or lovers to provide feedback, they might compliment you just to be nice, depriving you of the good, hard feedback you need. Worry not! The internet has found you a professional penis judger who will critically analyze your penis’s overall appearance for the low price of $20.


Who is this so-called “professional penis judger”?

Her name is Eevie Bellini (or “The Banana Butcher” if you’re nasty) and she’ll write you a three-paragraph-long appraisal of your penis if you send her some pictures and an Andrew Jackson. Her feedback includes notes on length, girth, grooming, veins and balls, which is as good as you can expect over the internet.

And she won’t be cruel either … unless you want her to. “I’m usually sweet about it,” she says, “unless the boy wants to have his banana up on the chopping block where I brutally nitpick his pathetic penis.”

RELATED | This Quick and Dirty History of the Penis Includes Chimps, Greek Gods and Witches (Video)

Bellini says most men just want an honest opinion about their genitals. Only two have ever asked the penis judger to intentionally humiliate their members.

Her reviews are also (reportedly) well-written, possibly because she “dabbles in creative writing.” Bellini is using the money she makes from penis-reviewing to pay off off her student loans, and if you pay her an additional $10, she’ll send you a “custom-made nude video reaction to your dick pic” — talk about service!

RELATED | Is It Body Shaming To Discuss Hitler’s “Tiny Deformed Penis”?

If you’re curious about her penis judger services, try googling her.

And if you’re self-conscious about your penis size, we know a Ghanan bishop who claims that his magic touch can enlarge men’s penises, but he’s anti-gay and probably just a molester.

Perhaps you’re better off accepting your penis as it is.


Featured image by themacx via iStock

Related Stories

Under the Cover of Night: 10 of America's Most Famous Gay Cruising Spots, Past and Present
7 Important Facts About Gay and Bi Men Who Suffer From Eating Disorders
Forget New Year’s Resolutions and Try These 3 Life Coach-Tested Approaches Instead
Juanita More, Legendary SF Activist, on the Legacy and Significance of Pride