Peter Thiel Seeks ‘Energetic, Versatile’ Personal Assistant

Count Dracula is looking for his Renfield.

Peter Thiel, the ultra-rich libertarian pro-Trump gay tech mogul who sued Gawker to death and plans to gain immortality by consuming the blood of youthful peasants, is looking to hire a “versatile, energetic” personal assistant.

The job requirements, listed on Linkedin, include:

• Available 24/7 by cell phone and email

Even during the daytime, when Thiel is sleeping in his coffin.

• Organizing, stocking and managing our president’s closet and personal-care supplies
• Handling medical logistical responsibilities

Okay these are both euphemisms for “harvesting blood from the local peasants,” right?

• Ability to maintain the highest standard of confidentiality

Translation: tell no one where the bodies are hidden.

The job ad doesn’t describe the pay, but it does offer dental care, which is good because fangs are probably pretty tough to maintain. Apply here, if you dare.