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Back in the nineties, I was pretty straight, lusting hopelessly after girls and staying up late to watch pay-per-view softcore. By the late nineties, though, I turned totally gay, chasing hopelessly after guys and staying up late to watch pay-per-view softcore (but only to look at the dudes). I always wondered what happened to flip the switch, but Georgia televangelist Creflo Dollar nailed it: Pokemon turned me and countless other children gay.
The more I think about it, the more it seems totally possible that those 151 “pocket monsters” turned me from a heterosexual schlub into a lusty gay lothario. So here are 15 Pokemon characters that introduced me to the world of man-on-man love (and how they did it):
Clefairy turns all the children gay because he’s pink and has fairy in his (her?) name. She’s also made of cotton candy or bubble gum or some shit and has her hair done by Renaldo at the Blow ‘n’ Go.
If Clefairy doesn’t turn you gay, then Poliwrath steps in and hypnotizes you into gaydom with his hypno-abs and velvet fists.
When the Pokémon TV series debuted in 1998, I was immediately drawn to this unicorn-looking cat creature. We all know how lusty unicorns can be. Plus, he got that gold coin all up on his head, and gays be lovin’ themselves some gold coins. F’real.
Suddenly I became interested in fashion. I started coming out of my shell, as it were, and wearing oversized hats, just like Aretha Franklin at Obama’s inauguration.
Jaunty scarves, too. So. Fucking. Fabulous!!!
Then I started thinking about sex and all the same-sex sex that I could have, starting with my tongue. This licky-tongue fella even has knee-pads on — total slut.
Performing oral sex on a guy suddenly seemed like a fun hobby. (Note: in the Pokemon numbering systen, Bellsprout is #69. Coincidence?! No wonder I immediately sucked 69 dicks after seeing this one.)
Talking about dicks, Dugtrio looks like a bunch of dongs all crammed down in a hole — hawt.
Butts suddenly seemed more fun than previously. I don’t know Slowbro’s relationship to the “guy” blowing his tail — maybe they’re in the same fraternity or work-out buddies? They both seem pretty happy together. Are they gay-married? Are gay marriage and sodomy even legal in Pokemon Land? I hope not because gay sex is hotter when it’s illegal.
I began exploring a number of fetishes like watersports and violent spitting (after bukake, of course). Squirtle made me sooooo wet. Literally.
Shellder didn’t turn me gay, but it did turn my ex-girlfriend into a complete and utter lesbian. Seriously. She’s all ’bout that seafood now. Can’t get enough — om nom nom nom nom nom nom!
Then I started to realize that I was more attracted to certain types of dudes. Snorlax got me involved the bear community. He’s a sleepy-ass bear, but he gives hella-good cuddles. He should trim his nails though — it’s like cuddling a velociraptor.
Which led to the muscle bear community. Machoke isn’t even a professional wrestler, he just dresses like that to get attention, and it totally works.
Finally, Jynx seduced me into liking drag queens. Turns out she’s just one of a million drag queen Pokemon. Ongina is another one.
And now here I am, the gayest man in Gaytown. Thanks, Pokemon!
(additional writing “help” by Daniel Villarreal)
Previously Published December 17, 2015.
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