13 Things Trump Should Sign Instead of a Religious Anti-LGBT Executive Order
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Multiple sources have reported that Donald Trump is expected to sign an anti-LGBT executive order that would strip us of rights in the name of religious freedom. This seems like a rather strange idea since the Supreme Court just rejected an anti-LGBT appeal that was filed under the guise of ‘religious persecution.’ We would be both incredibly heartbroken and angry if Trump were to sign something like this, though, so we figured we’d give him a few other options.
Here are 13 things we’d much rather have Donald Trump sign tomorrow than a religious anti-LGBT executive order:
1. An executive order changing the official spelling to “yuge.”
2. An executive order that requires all nude-colored clothing to look like the Crayola crayon macaroni-and-cheese.
3. An executive order mandating that next week’s Drag Race runway challenge be Ann Coulter-themed.
4. An executive order that forces every U.S. citizen to write a Yelp review for Trump Towers and give it at least 3 1/2 stars. (Even Trump knows the food in his hotel tastes like stale sandpaper and used urinal cakes.)
5. An executive order that gives Kid Rock and Ted Nugent their own TV station where they rate Playboy magazines from the 1990s.
6. An executive order that makes it illegal for Mike Pence to call his wife mother.
7. An executive order that does nothing. But it will be the greatest nothing America has ever seen. It will do nothing in a yuge way. It’ll be the most amazing nothing you will experience in your lifetime. Your children’s children’s children will still be talking about the way nothing was done. Nothing!
8. An executive order that allows for a monthly lottery wherein one liberal congressman or congresswoman has to let Donald Trump control their Twitter for a day.
9. An executive order that requires Russia to move its mainland closer to Alaska so people can stop making fun of Sarah Palin, because she is tired of it.
10. An executive order requiring that all male models have pudgy bellies and fingers shaped like the nubs of half-eaten sausages left out in the sun to dry.
11. An executive order that requires Tiffany Trump to stand directly behind Ivanka for all family portraits.
12. An executive order that let’s Twinks4Trump create the next gay bar in New York City. It will be like the White Party, except clothing will have nothing to do with it.
13. Any executive order that doesn’t discriminate against a marginalized community for a bullshit reasoning that does nothing to actually protect religious freedom and, in the end, just leaves millions of LGBT individuals unprotected and Mike Pence with a raging erection.
Fingers crossed, y’all.