santorum, rick santorum, frothy mix, anal sex
santorum, rick santorum, frothy mix, anal sex

Santorum Releases Statement Distancing Itself From Rick Santorum

In a press release early this morning, Santorum, a frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex, addressed the so called “Google Problem” described by Republican Senator Rick Santorum. Speaking from his tony uptown loft, the semi-organic puddle had this to say:

“Let me plainly state that I am in no way affiliated with, or supportive of, Republican Senator Rick Santorum. It was an unfortunate coincidence that we share the same name, and the cruel and thoughtless actions of others which have now inextricably linked us have brought untold pain and suffering to me and my family. Our Santorum Family Website has been deluged by traffic seeking the Senator, and my children are accused by their classmates of thinking homosexuality is the same as bestiality.”

In a radio interview recently, Santorum described some of the hardships his family has faced recently:

“It’s really disheartening, you know? We’re a progressive family who believes in cultural diversity, and keeping our noses out of the personal decisions of others. When we’re linked by name to the very epitome of bigoted intolerance, it creates an unfair perception of us to millions of people worldwide we’ve never met. It’s hard enough going through life as an oozing excretion without the Rainbow Coalition picketing outside our house because this name mixup has caused them to think we’re intolerant, too. The stress has been really overwhelming. In the last three months, I’ve been reduced to little more than a dried up stain.”

Santorum states that he’s simply looking for life to return to normal.

“My good friend Weiner had a taste of what it’s like to be Santorum recently, when some other Senator started tweeting pictures of his package around, but that hubbub seems to be dying down now that he’s resigned. I keep hoping to hear the same thing about Senator Rick Santorum. I figure once he’s out of office, we can stop hiding from the media, and get back to being one big frothy family.”

Senator Santorum’s office had no comment.

— Originally written by and posted at the (now defunct) website Obnoxi.us. The original site can be accessed on Archive.org

(Previously published in different form on June 20, 2011.)