The Onion News and Stories

Satirical Newspaper “The Onion” Calls It Quits

The long-lived satirical newspaper announced this week that it has printed its last edition.

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Justice Thomas To Justice Scalia: Are… Are We The Baddies?

Shocking no one, Justice Scalia was on the wrong side of today’s Marriage Equality vote. But does he even realize he’s the bad guy? Has he watched movies?

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Where Do Homosexuals Get All Their Energy?

A blast from the past from The Onion that is still quite topical and relevant today. I know what you’re saying: Brandon, you’re just perpetuating the stereotype that homosexuals are superhuman. That is totally not true. All I’m saying is, with their boundless energy and talents, they make us straight[…]

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‘Mom And Dad, I’m Gay And Also Stronger Than You, So Don’t Try Any Shit’

Mom, Dad, there’s something we have to talk about. I’ve been wanting to tell you this for some time, and I want you to know that while I’m fully aware this might be difficult for you to hear, remember, I am still your son, and I love you very much:[…]

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Supervillain Lady Gaga Kidnaps Commissioner Gordon

Yes, yes, one thousand times YES. GOTHAM CITY—Supervillain Lady Gaga brazenly abducted Commissioner James Gordon from a charity fundraiser Tuesday, leaving police baffled and the citizens of Gotham fearing for their safety. Known for her outlandish costumes and geometric polygon hair, the criminal madwoman made a daring escape from Arkham[…]

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Homophobia Immersion Therapy: Lowering Patient Into Tank Of Gays

BOSTON—During a widely publicized press conference at the Boston University School of Medicine Friday, researchers announced a breakthrough new technique that cures homophobia by immersing patients in a large glass tank overflowing with gays. “Rather than avoid one’s fear of homosexual men, we believe it’s crucial to face it head[…]

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Town Throws Pride Parade For Its Only Gay Resident?

“Today was a historic day in Pennington. The entire town turned out to honor Paul Webster, the area’s one gay man, with Pennington’s first ever gay pride parade.” Paul, a 33-year-old hardware store owner was too shy to ask for a parade, but that didn’t stop almost 2,000 residents from[…]

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