The Onion

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Where Do Homosexuals Get All Their Energy?

A blast from the past from The Onion that is still quite topical and relevant today. I know what you’re saying: Brandon, you’re just perpetuating the stereotype that homosexuals are superhuman. That is totally not true. All I’m saying is, with their boundless energy and talents, they make us straight […]

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Supervillain Lady Gaga Kidnaps Commissioner Gordon

Yes, yes, one thousand times YES. GOTHAM CITY—Supervillain Lady Gaga brazenly abducted Commissioner James Gordon from a charity fundraiser Tuesday, leaving police baffled and the citizens of Gotham fearing for their safety. Known for her outlandish costumes and geometric polygon hair, the criminal madwoman made a daring escape from Arkham […]

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Homophobia Immersion Therapy: Lowering Patient Into Tank Of Gays

BOSTON—During a widely publicized press conference at the Boston University School of Medicine Friday, researchers announced a breakthrough new technique that cures homophobia by immersing patients in a large glass tank overflowing with gays. “Rather than avoid one’s fear of homosexual men, we believe it’s crucial to face it head […]

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Town Throws Pride Parade For Its Only Gay Resident?

“Today was a historic day in Pennington. The entire town turned out to honor Paul Webster, the area’s one gay man, with Pennington’s first ever gay pride parade.” Paul, a 33-year-old hardware store owner was too shy to ask for a parade, but that didn’t stop almost 2,000 residents from […]