Because I love you all so very very much, I went through the arduous duty of watching every single music video of this year’s Eurovision music contest to figure out this year’s best and worst. I already predicted Australia or Russia to win this year, so this isn’t about who deserves to win; it’s about which videos rock (and suck) the hardest.
Generally speaking, I noticed a trend of artists going to the streets to embrace their roots and the people they represent. You’ll see what I mean as we move down the list. Let’s begin!
The first moment I heard “Sing It Away” by Sandhja from Finland, I knew I was going to be all about it and then the fringe came in! You know what my favorite color is? God damn it, fringe! Sandhja is workin’ the fringe dangling from her arms like some sort of rock-pop angel while her pals dance in a run-down playground where they’ve just finished a seance or some sort of magic ritual from The Craft. I’m down for wearing torn clothes and jangly necklaces at the playground because I too use to pop my pussy in a park looking for trade (true story). Sandhja also is giving me Finnish Demi Lovato vibes and I am living for her. I’m just about ready to jump on a plane and walk into her industrial park to do some choreo to this! Oh it’s repetitive, but it’s catchy… and I’m a girl who just can’t say no… to fringe. #Fringe4eva2016
Not only is Barei from Spain’s song lit as fuck but the video is honestly one of the best produced this season. We’ve come a long way from Spain’s disastrous “Lord of the Rings” music video from last year. I love the grittiness of different dancers throughout the city getting their life wherever the fuck they are. Oh, you’re on the street waiting on the bus? Pop your boochie then, gurl. Oh, you see some girl in a tunnel? Yeah you should be her backup dancer, because you know why? You only live once.
The video also seems to have a few genderqueer people in it (score!) AND, the chorus says, “C’mon and raise your water pipe” and we all know what a “water pipe” is… IT’S A BONG! The song advocates smoking dank and dank ain’t even completely legal in Spain. But smoke it anyway Because YOLO!!!
Finally, a song that’s not in English!! I realize that lots of Europeans speak English, but English is like the McDonald’s of languages, and we want some international flavor, honeys!
Anyway, Amir from France is not only a really decent singer but he is also bae. His video for “J’ai cherche” (which means “I sought”), shows the younger generation of our times going through real shit and showing them overcome the obstacles of their life. Well, by “real shit” I mean practicing ballet and taekwondo while their shitty friends mock them on the streets.
And then in the middle of the song Amir STARTS SPEAKING ENGLISH??!!! WHAT???!!!!! Ugh. I guess it’s okay, because not only is video visually appealing but the message is great as well. We are all looking for someone to help make us strong and with that comes the ultimate power of love! Sing on, Amir.
I know Greece is in an economic crisis and they might not have lots of money to invest in Eurovision, but fuck, doing a green screen video is exactly not the thing to do. The guy in the video is mildly cute and running through some fucked up Game of Thrones-style landscapes and honestly, it would be better if they’d shot this outside — Greece has so many beautiful natural landscapes and he’d get all sweaty and dirty like a real athlete (or knight or peasant dancer or whatever) rather than a model jogging around some air conditioned studio. Where was the thinking in this? Also what the fuck is he running for? Is Stannis Baratheon chasing him? Does he want more gyros? Girl, get it on the corner of 54th street — they got the good shit! But to get there you gotta go outside. Like, right now.
First of all, in a non-confrontational way, what in the fuck is Kaliopi’s haircut, and why are her movements so jerky at the start and end of the video? It reminds me of the time I couldn’t get the GIF to load right on an Android phone and it played back all fucked up — that’s exactly how she appears in this weird orchestra hall. She ends up getting upstaged by her orchestra which is sad as balls. I just want to contact the F.Y.R. Macedonia cultural affairs center and get answers on this mess — a better video coulda been made with a green screen, Christmas lights and meat puppets. Also, she keeps leaning back like she is Stevie Nicks in the “Stand Back” video and I’m just hoping there is a landing pad for her in the end when she leans too far back.
Do you like it when a karaoke singer takes it way too seriously and acts like his song is gonna make every woman in the bar pregnant? Then you’ll love Juri Pootsmann from Estonia! While going through every song this year, his was one of the most tragic I’ve ever seen. Not only is he blander than a fucking cardboard smoothie but the video is soooo basic. It’s like one of those videos you can make at the mall for $10.99 and while waiting you go get a snack from the food court until it’s ready for you to pick up. Also, I think he is trying so hard to be like the Estonian Michael Buble and girl, it’s time to hang up that dream. F’real.