Turkey Sex
Turkey Sex

The Unicorn Booty Guide To Turkey Fucking

Let’s face it: turkeys aren’t very bright creatures. All birds ahave tiny brains, but turkeys really take the cake. For instance, if you think a male turkey could spot the difference between a living female turkey and a taxidermied head on a stick, you’d be dead wrong. Lucky for you, their subpar bird-brains are the first ingredient in our romantic recipe for fowl play — gobble, gobble!

Apparently, a general slump in turkey fertility around the early ’60s led Dr. Martin Schein and Dr. Edward Hale — two animal behavioral scientists as Penn State University — to study what turns turkeys on, and their testing methods were as bizarre as the results they elicited.

In their paper, “Stimulae Eliciting Sexual Behavior,” they outlined the various tricks they tried to arouse male turkeys. They taxidermied a female and reduced it to its parts — removing the feet, wings, and even the body one piece at a time — to see how the males reacted. When shown a headless body, the males displayed; that is, they puffed their feathers out and did their shuffling little mating dance — HAWT!! But the males didn’t try to mount their decapitated companion. A head without body showed a different story, though!

Despite the obvious challenges, like the absence of a body, the males did their mating dance and then tried to rear-mount the poor dead head, even though it was attached to a balsa wood stick. Further testing confirmed that the severed head didn’t even need to be fresh! The toms even got horny when presented with a male head, or the head of a turkey that had died two whole years previously.

Female turkey looking at the severed head of a different female turkey.
This is an actual photo from 1965.

Turkeys are really dumb and creepy, in other words.

Actually, Schein and Hale theorized that because turkey males can only see their mate’s neck during the act, they are pretty much only turned on by necks (kinda like vampires without the biting). They later conducted a similar experiment testing male and female turkey attraction to objects including a wooden block, an unlit lightbulb and a human hand (presumably not taxidermied).

Then they tried the same thing with chickens, writing a paper called “Effects of the Morphological Variations of Chicken Models on the Sexual Responses of Cocks.” It’s pretty awesome that they got to publish a paper with the phrase “The Sexual Responses of Cocks” in the title. Science!!

In 2013, Americans consumed an estimated 46 million turkeys at Thanksgiving, according to the National Turkey Federation. So whether you want to bed a bird or not, you’re probably gonna get your tongues and lips on some turkey breasts and legs on Thanksgiving Day, you freaky pilgrims you.

(story originally published on November 25, 2015)