San Diego Chargers, flasher, Gremlin, Gremlins 2, The New Breed, football, NFL
San Diego Chargers, flasher, Gremlin, Gremlins 2, The New Breed, football, NFL

VIDEO: Creepy Security Guard Masturbates on Field During NFL Game

While some folks enjoy football for its athleticism, tight uniforms and gay-Satanic halftime shows, others folks (like me) don’t care about those things because football is boring, dumb crap — RuPaul’s Drag Race is my football, hunties. But you know what would make me care a lot more about football? If each game had a security guard masturbating on field like the one at at the San Diego Chargers versus Oakland Raiders game at San Diego’s Qualcomm Stadium this last Sunday.

Someone caught a video of it, and it’s a hell of a lot more interesting than the typical offensive play. Let’s watch this player score (with himself):

As a journalist, I should really say that the guy was allegedly masturbating since whacking off in public is a crime and he hasn’t been formally tried and convicted, but come on… he’s not jangling around his keys or rubbing a hand-warming stick; he is straight-up whacking it behind those poor cheerleaders.

In fact, now that I realize how much of a creeper he’s being, I can’t even enjoy his compulsive self-abuse. And here I thought that on-field masturbation could help widen the NFL’s viewing audience; but now that I realize he’s sexually harassing these cheerleaders and violating their right to cheer and wave pom-poms in peace, I can’t even get a semi — way to ruin it, creep.

At least the security company he works for has promised to investigate it. What is it with these masturbating security guards and unhinged Papa John’s employees lately? Holiday stress or just heterosexuality run amok? Heterosexuality is a disease, y’all, and it’s ruining our pizza parlors and football games… for real.