We Must Steal Our Honor Back From Caitlyn Jenner
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When ESPN announced its intention to present Caitlyn Jenner with the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the upcoming ESPYS, radio show host Gerry Callahan brought up an important point: What about army veteran Crossfit celebrity Noah Galloway? Why not give Galloway the award instead of Jenner?
Galloway, as it turns out, was never in the running for the award, but fortunately a little thing like objective reality is never enough to keep the Internet Hate Machine from booting up. Callahan’s sentiments spread like food poisoning at a bad potluck, spawning outraged Tweets and Facebook posts regarding the imaginary competition between the two athletes.
And that’s good, because the fact that Caitlyn Jenner did not in fact snatch the Arthur Ashe Courage Award right out of Galloway’s remaining hand doesn’t really matter. There is more at stake here than an actual award. What’s at stake is honor.
Caitlyn Jenner stole Noah Galloway’s honor.
Noah Galloway is not being honored enough and it’s all Caitlyn Jenner’s fault.
Surely, surely, if Caitlyn Jenner hadn’t appeared in Vanity Fair, the entire United States of America would have exploded with honor for Noah Galloway. ESPN would have nominated him for an award–nay, all of the awards–and given them to him. Congress would have passed a resolution honoring him. Barack Obama would have declared June 9th Noah Galloway Day, and from this year until the end of time our nation would have celebrated Galloway’s legacy with parades, hymns, and commemorative bake sales. Every city would have erected a statue in Noah Galloway’s muscly likeness, if only Caitlyn Jenner hadn’t been photographed looking like a character from a Fellini film in that sports car with those sunglasses holy shit that was so cool like VROOOOOM
But I digress.
It is a forgone conclusion that Jenner’s announcement is literally the only thing preventing Noah Galloway from receiving his fair due. After all, America is great at treating its veterans with respect and honoring their sacrifices in only the most dignified manner.
Obviously, it would be impossible for society to honor both Caitlyn Jenner and Noah Galloway. That could only happen if honor were an abstract concept that existed in unlimited supply. But in the real world, honor is a tangible substance in finite quantities. There is only so much honor to go around, and Jenner is hoarding it like Smaug, only with impossibly perfect chestnut brown hair.
Worse yet, Caitlyn Jenner continues to steal honor from even more of our heroes. The pole-vaulting pilferer is also at fault for the nation’s failure to properly recognize college basketball player Lauren Hill, who died of a brain tumor at age 19.
Jenner’s insatiable lust for the honor rightly belonging to others has even led her to embezzle recognition from people outside the world of sports. New York City Fire Wire’s Facebook account accused Jenner of stealing honor from three heroic FDNY officers. How devious of her to steal from three men that she has probably never heard of. The perfect crime!
But Jenner’s honor-thieving ways are nothing new. The athlete has been stealing recognition from others for ages. Since 2007, Jenner has been appearing on Keeping Up with the Kardashians, cruelly stealing recognition from more deserving E! network celebrities such as… uh… somebody.
In 1980, Jenner appeared in the Village People biopic Can’t Stop the Music, taking attention away from other Village Persons who might have used their slightly lengthened screen time to address pertinent social issues like the American Indian Movement or OSHA regulations on gay construction sites.
In the 1970s, Jenner even appeared on boxes of Wheaties.
Jenner, you monster. That cardboard surface could have borne a worthier image, like a food pyramid, or the likeness of a Vietnam veteran. GODDAMN IT JENNER THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A WAR HERO ON THAT WHEATIES BOX. OUR BOYS WERE BEING TORTURED IN THE HANOI HILTON AND ALL YOU DID WAS RUN AROUND IN A CIRCLE.
THE OVA THAT WOULD EVENTUALLY BECOME NOAH GALLOWAY SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON THAT WHEATIES BOX, JENNER.
There is only one conclusion to make from all this: Caitlyn Jenner must be stopped before she steals all the honor from everyone everywhere.
The only way to do this is to steal it back from her. So before you praise someone for an admirable deed, be sure to first insult Caitlyn Jenner, even if it’s totally irrelevant. If a lifeguard saves you from drowning, say, “Thanks for saving my life. You’re the real hero, not Caitlyn Jenner!”
If a polite youth offers you his seat on the bus, say, “Thank you for giving up your seat, young man! Caitlyn Jenner would never do that–her elegant designer shoes look pretty uncomfortable so she probably wouldn’t want to stand for an extended period of time.”
If your child makes an adorable drawing, put it on the fridge with the following signature at the bottom: “by Billy, age 6–NOT by Caitlyn Jenner, age 65.”
That is why we must repeatedly criticize Caitlyn Jenner in seemingly inappropriate situations: To save our honor. It is definitely not because of transphobia. Nope. That is absolutely not the reason.