A blast from the past from The Onion that is still quite topical and relevant today.
I know what you’re saying: Brandon, you’re just perpetuating the stereotype that homosexuals are superhuman. That is totally not true. All I’m saying is, with their boundless energy and talents, they make us straight guys look bad.
Just look at the way they dress. They must get up bright and early just to figure out how to match their homosexual outfits. They do this, plus take the time to have a nice, hot morning bath. And they eat, too. Homosexuals know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. By 8 a.m., they are out the door, fully rested and raring to go.
For me, just shopping for a new pair of shoes is exhausting. I try on maybe one or two new pairs, and I’m ready to call it a day. But a homosexual can sit for hours in Barney’s tirelessly trying on dozens of pairs, and when he finds the one he wants, why, he’s ready to wear those shoes out to a homosexual club and dance all night. What vim!
And that’s another thing: Even after partying all night, homosexuals must have to work a lot in order to earn enough money for their active lifestyles. After all, meals at the trendiest restaurants in town don’t grow on trees. So they go to their jobs as designers and lawyers and architects and work hard to afford all these things. Their busy minds are always whirring, whirring, whirring.
So I ask, where do they get all their energy? Is it from all that meth? I’ve heard it’s an epidemic in the homosexual community, and it may explain how they can charge through their day. But that doesn’t seem like the whole explanation. Perhaps it’s the centuries of persecution that’s kept them on their toes. Or maybe homosexual sex is simply more invigorating and satisfying. Or could it be that their quest to be perfect is a way to compensate for their families’ shame? It’s a mystery to me! But whatever it is, it sure seems to be working.
Brandon Kelley’s entire satirical op-ed is well worth a moment of your time. Read it in full over at The Onion.
Where do YOU think gays get their superhuman energy?
Read more stories by just signing up
or Download the App to read the latest stories