If You Care About America at All, Watch This Video of Olympic Hottie Chris Mazdzer Deepthroating Pizza
If you haven’t been tuning in to the 2018 Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang — or gay Twitter — then there’s a chance you might not know who luger and hirsute cutie Chris Mazdzer is.
And that’s not OK.
Besides making Olympic history by becoming the first American guy to medal in singles luge, he’s also dreamy AF.
So let us take you on a crash course of all things Chris Mazdzer.
This is Chris Mazdzer.
He’s an Olympic luger.
He’s also a total beefcake.
He seems to love dogs.
And he loves America.
His eyebrow game is on point (and by that we mean burly and beautiful).
And despite many Game of Thrones fans’ opinions, he has proven in just one picture that he is the one true king of Westeros.
He likes to show that he’s a regular guy by taking awkward gym selfies like us common folk.
He’s very good at his sport (and having magnificent thighs).
Look at the passion in his eyes (and his thrusts).
(Also, we’re all that guy in the background.)
Here’s Chris Mazdzer coyishly smiling after realizing he made U.S. Olympic history.
You might even say he’s a mazdzer of luge. (You’re all welcome for that pun.)
And before we actually get to the point of this story, here’s a gif of Chris Mazdzer taking off his shirt, just because.
Here’s one more of him taking off his shorts, once again in a snowy tundra.
We know what you’re thinking: (1) Why are my pants so tight right now? And (2) This man could not get anymore perfect, even if he tried. But that’s where you’d be wrong.
Only a few days before Mazdzer won silver, Olympic bobsledder Lauren Gibbs filmed what will soon be considered one of the greatest pieces of American artwork ever: Chris Mazdzer eating pizza.
But he doesn’t just eat the pizza. He inhales it in one bite. Basically he deepthroats it.
Anyone who enjoys pizza that much is a gold medalist in our hearts.
— Lauren Gibbs (@lagibbs84) February 11, 2018
And if all of this hasn’t quenched your thirst for Olympic babes deepthroating food, go watch hunky Olympic skier Gus Kenworthy suck down a hot dog.