Dan Savage’s New Study on Gay Cuckolding and Infidelity Fantasies Has Several Surprises
A study of 580 gay men recently conducted by gay sex columnist and activist Dan Savage and two other psychologists — David Ley and Justin Lehmiller — has shown that male same-sex couples are increasingly indulging in cuckolding fantasies (that is, sexual fantasies in which a person is humiliated and aroused by the idea of their partner fucking another person.) However, gay cuckolding fantasies differ from straight men’s.
The three men conducted the study as part of Lehmiller’s upcoming book Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help Improve Your Sex Life. Lehmiller initially studied thousands of Americans and found 58% of men and nearly a third of women have cuckolding fantasies.
Savage says he has only recently begun to receive gay inquiries about cuckolding even though he’s written his advice column since 1991. Savage’s research with the psychologists revealed that interracial and BDSM themes don’t appear as often among gay men.
According to Lehmiller, heterosexual men find cuckolding arousing because letting other men fuck your female partner has traditionally been seen as emasculating and taboo. However, he says, “For gay men, cuckolding isn’t quite as taboo because the norm of lifelong monogamy isn’t so strong in the LGBT community.”
In fact, Lehmiller says gay cuckolding is enjoyable not just for its taboo but also because it overlaps into other sexual needs and fantasies involving novelty, voyeurism and group sex.
“It’s not cuckolding if there isn’t an element of humiliation, degradation or denial,” Savage said. “Our erotic imaginations have the ability to turn shame lemons into delicious kink lemonade.”
All three researchers say cuckolding can have positive relationship effects, but say successful cuckolding fantasies require “honesty, integrity, communication, mutuality and shared values” between partners.
Lee said, “For those who have a lot of relationship anxiety or abandonment issues, who lack intimacy and communication, and who aren’t careful, detail-oriented planners, acting on a consensual non-monogamy fantasy could very well be a negative experience.”
Fun fact: Cuckolding is also the basis of the alt-right insult, “cuck,” as Franchesca Ramsey explains below:
Featured image by Fluers du Male