Differing sex drives is a common and somewhat inevitable stage of any monogamous relationship, so it’s no cause for panic. Let it be more annoying then devastating, and use it to be more creative sexually. Eventually the novelty and newness of a relationship — during which time it can feel like we’re being led around by constant arousal and erections — will wear off. Enjoy it, engage it, play with it and don’t panic when those boners taper down.
Eventually life will show up again. Not everything your boyfriend does will be cute, and every night being a movie-and-cuddle night will no longer be thrilling.
The flaw in the way we date and have sex is in our habits and patterns. We go for comfort and ‘routine sex’ in the morning when waking up and not the highly arousing and stimulation-creating highs of exploration and sex at different times of the day, sometimes with penetration, sometimes with toys, sexting and trying all positions. (Everyone is “vers,” and sex means using the entire body.)
There’s also the tyranny of letting a romantic relationship go the way of friendship. Don’t do that! If you want your relationship to be a sexual-romantic one, then keep it that way. Eroticize your partner daily by maintaining flirtation, sexting, with sexuality of various kinds, touch, cuddling and kissing. In other words, keep dating them.
My inbox is flooded with two questions around the frustrating topic of differing sex drives:
“What do I do if my boyfriend never wants sex?”
It can feel heartbreaking and as though you’re not attractive to your partner anymore, or just not important.
Yes, sometimes being in a relationship will mean mourning the loss of the sex life you thought you would have (and had while single, first dating or saw in porn). It also means finding pleasure and comfort in nonsexual forms of intimacy and closeness.
The descent of sex drive is part of long-term monogamous coupling.
Again, familiarity is not as hot and sexy as newness. Tell him how much you miss sex, discuss whether the sex you have together is worth having (some sex just isn’t fun, so are you open to being more sexually diverse?) or whether it needs to be more creative and possibly requires some kink. I walk my long-term coupled patients who want more sexual energy into trying different kinks.
Remember, you are more sexually fluid than you think, and your true sexuality is far more diverse than even you realize or care to admit. But the less cock-hungry partner needs to know that you are unhappy with your differing sex drives, specifically the lack of action in your relationship.
And what your partner does about your concern is a demonstration of what type of partner he is.
“What do I do with a boyfriend who always wants sex?”
An always-horny partner can feel overwhelming to those with a lower sex drive or less sexual confidence, like anxiety around road-head, fear of sexting or wanting one position only.
The solution is to be a caring, attentive partner and not leave your boyfriend hanging. Do something! When your partner makes an attempt to connect, build closeness and get off with you, DO SOMETHING!
You may not be up for penetrative sex, so opt for oral or a hand job, use a toy, masturbate together, watch porn, phone a friend. Just find some way to engage with them in an intimate and pleasurable way, especially if you chose monogamy, because you cannot then force them into celibacy.
The winning solutions for ongoing sexual chemistry exist in eroticizing your relationship by maintaining flirtation, sexting and sexual elasticity.
Have you ever dealt with differing sex drives in a relationship? Sound off in the comments.
Dr. Chris Donaghue is a lecturer, therapist and host of the LoveLine podcast, a weekly expert on The Amber Rose Show, and a frequent co-host on TV series The Doctors. He previously hosted WE tv’s Sex Box and Logo’s Bad Sex. He authored the book Sex Outside the Lines: Authentic Sexuality in a Sexually Dysfunctional Culture and has been published in various professional journals and top magazines, including The New York Times, Newsweek, Cosmo and National Geographic. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram.
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