You have less than one week left, so if you haven’t gotten your special man a gift yet, you should probably get on it. While chocolates and flowers are nice, they’re also boring. And let’s be honest — they’re not very gay. When my (imaginary) boyfriend gets me a gift for V-Day, I want to be screaming at the top of my lungs with the full force of my shrill, banshee wail. And not gonna lie, I won’t be screaming “OMG, Bitch. YASS. I love you!” with a bouquet of roses. Also, if Tom (we’ve now named my imaginary boyfriend) got me chocolates, I’d yell at him. I have been and will be on a continuous “diet,” which consists primarily of pizza, burritos and alcohol until the day I die. (Obviously, I care about my health, so I can’t be eating chocolate.) To keep that from happening, here are some great Valentine’s Day gifts for you (and Tom) that’ll make your hubby scream with joy.
Here are ideas for the perfect Valentine’s Day gifts for your partner:
There’s no such thing as an unsexy jockstrap, but make sure it’s nice. Spend some money on it. This is one of those gifts you pretend is just for him, but it’s also secretly for you. First, how hot will it be when he takes off his pants and is wearing the sexy jockstrap you gave him? And second, think of all the times you’re going to steal that jockstrap from him to wear yourself. I buy all my jocks from Cheapundies. (Don’t let the name discourage you. They have popular gay brands, like Nasty Pig and Gregg Homme for cheap.)
In general, I’m not thrilled when someone gifts me a mug. Like, that’s honestly pretty annoying. But these mugs are different. First, they cost a damn fortune. You’ll have to set aside some money for your “mug budget,” but second, they are so unbelievably cool. If your man is more of an alternative, goth, Dragula-watching gay, this mug is for him. Each is handmade, and look at the level of detail! They sell out real quick though, so sign up for their mailing list to make sure you can snatch one up.
I know, I know. You’re a gay man and because of this, you think your penis and/or butthole is God’s gift to the world, and there’s no way incorporating a sex toy could in any way enhance your sex life. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, a sex toy would absolutely enhance your sex life. I got a few things from Lyps a while ago. Honestly, I liked them. Their vibrating cock ring is $14.99 and I’ve had no complaints with it so far.
There are sex toys — and then there’s wearing sexy attire as fashion. Take, for example, the wide-choker I got from Bijoux Indiscrets. The gays go nuts when I wear this out to the club. It’s fetish fashion. You can have your man wear it out alone, or you can walk him around on the attached leash. Up to you boys to choose.
So I’m currently obsessed with Marek + Richard. You’ve probably seen ads for them on Instagram, or maybe you’ve seen sexy go-go boys wearing their attire. It’s probably the gayest brand I’ve ever seen in my life, and I’m in love. They have crop tops with the gayest phrases on them, like “Yes Gawd,” “Stun” and “Make America Slay Again.” And I haven’t even mentioned all the jockstraps they have.
Okay, so if Marek + Richard is “gay fashion,” so to speak, and you don’t think your man will be into that, why not something a little more high fashion? Now high fashion is going to be a little pricier… because you know, it’s high fashion. One thing that recently popped on my radar is Wilde Vertigga. They describe themselves as “a conceptual fashion line for men and women with an experimental approach towards making asymmetric shapes into harmony.” Now if that doesn’t sound like high fashion, I don’t know what does. What I do know is that if you got your hubby a pair of their boots, he will definitely gay scream.
Various beard grooming accoutrements
Okay, so you know your man best. Obviously, if he’s a hairless twink, don’t buy this for him. If, however, he’s a bearded gay, you may be onto something. There are beard brushes, beard oils, aftershaves, and all that type of stuff for manscaping. While there are many places you can get these items from, you can always buy from The Art Of Shaving.
Take Him to Sephora and Let Him Go Wild
You’ll have to set a budget, ‘cause otherwise, you will go broke. But make it cute. Make it special. Say you have a surprise. Blindfold him. (Or don’t. This might be more annoying in real life, but I do like the idea.) Walk him into Sephora and say, “Anything my baby wants.” Then when he comes back with 500 dollars worth of things, tell him what his actual budget is. But, for a little bit, let him think he can spend 10 grand.
Alright, boys. It’s time to get on it. Not everything ships as quickly as Amazon Prime, and if you plan to keep your man happy (and get laid) this V-Day, you better get him something extra nice, extra gay and just plain extra.
Featured image by ajr_images via iStock