Send Your Lonely Friends a Bag of Dicks
“Eat a bag of dicks” is a delightfully dismissive insult. And now, thanks to the magic of the internet, you no longer have to just tell your enemies to eat a bag of dicks — you can literally mail them a bag of edible dicks to make your insult a reality!
Here’s what you’ll get with a $15 order of an anonymously sent bag of dicks, courtesy of Dicks By Mail:
Once your order is processed an anonymous package will be sent to your target containing 2 things; A 5oz bag of delicious gummy candy penises, and a note exclaiming Eat a Bag of Dicks. Nothing more. Nothing less.
You will remain anonymous and silently chuckle to yourself for years to come as you picture them slowly degrading into a shell of the person they once were, always questioning their lives: “Who sent this to me?” “Are there more dicks on their way?” “Why does this keep happening to me?!”
Yes, their slow decent into madness will be much tastier than the bag of candy dicks you sent to them.
Maybe it’s counterintuitive to spend $15 worth of candy on someone you hate, but then again, hatred is rarely rational, and the phrase is “sweet revenge.”
And while that $15 might be better spent shipping your enemies a spring-loaded glitter bomb or resolving your anger issues with a therapist, the idea of awful ex-bosses and shitty ex-lovers opening a bag of dicks at their home or office does make us smile in an immature middle-school kind of way.
The owners of Dicks By Mail also have this gentle reminder for those who take their service way too seriously: “It’s not meant to be a threat or a way to bully. If you are sending this with the intent to ruin someone’s day, then maybe it’s you who needs to eat a bag of dicks.”