Forget Adam and Steve, These Are the 5 Gayest Bible Stories Ever

A lot of people don’t realize this, but the Bible is actually super gay. In fact, the gay Bible stories are some of the Good Book’s most thrilling tales!

Don’t believe us? Check out this list of five gay Bible stories:

1. Noah’s Ark

During the flash flood, Noah and his crew didn’t have a lot of time to confirm the gender of all the animals, so the ark ended up carrying a lot of same-sex animal pairs, making Noah’s Ark the first-ever gay cruise. When the S.S. Homosexual finally landed on dry land, God welcomed the cruise with a rainbow — what could be gayer than that?

2. Sodom and Gomorrah

Anti-gay Christians love this one out of all the gay Bible stories because it shows God setting gay people on fire. Sodom, the town where sodomy was invented, and Gomorrah (who knows what sex move that town was named after) were apparently so intolerably gay that God sent down two hunky angels to see if either town had any righteous residents. Sadly, the towns’ lusty citizens were so hard up that they tried to rape the angels, convincing God to set the whole town ablaze. But that’s only the first part of the story.

Lot and his two daughters escaped the blaze, and afterwards, Lot’s daughters decided to get their dad drunk and rape him so that they could have his babies. Despite the wrongness of this, God let them live. This is what we call “heterosexual privilege.”

3. David and Jonathan

Even though Jonathan and David were presumed rivals for the crown of Israel, the two were also very close. So close that the Bible said, “The soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself.” The two even shared fashions together — one day, Jonathan literally gave David the robe off his own back.

When Johnathan died, David was so sad that he said, “My brother Jonathan; You have been very pleasant to me. Your love to me was more wonderful than the love of women.” Surely that caused a few clutched pearls and some serious side-eye at the funeral.

4. Jesus tells his disciples to leave their wives

It’s a well known fact that Jesus spent all his time hanging out with 12 dudes who literally loved and worshipped him. But Jesus didn’t just want disciples, he wanted total devotion. He told his followers “If you come to me but will not leave your family, you cannot be my follower. You must love me more than your father, mother, wife, children, brothers, and sisters—even more than your own life!”

Such a diva.

5. Judas kisses Jesus

Judas was super gay, so gay that Lady Gaga wrote a song about him. But long before then, Judas accepted 30 pieces of silver from the local priests to help get Jesus arrested for the blasphemy. Judas told the Roman guards that he would identify Jesus by kissing him. he totally did, to which Jesus replied, “Judas, are you betraying the Son of man with a kiss?”

Another gay playwright, Terrence McNally, immortalized the gayness of Jesus and his disciples in a 1998 play entitled Corpus Christi. Like The Most Fabulous Story Ever Told, McNally’s play has also faced lots of protests and censorship by overzealous anti-gay religions groups.

What do you think of this list of gay bible stories? Is there something we missed. Let us know.

This article was originally published on April 1, 2020. It has since been updated.