This Cheeky Guide to ‘Glory Hole Safety’ Is a Hilarious Must-Read

We could all use a little more creativity in our day-to-day. No matter how old you are, it’s never too late to spice up your life by trying out a new hobby, learning a new language … or using a glory hole for the first time. Of course, all new experiences require a quick lesson in safety, right? And as always, we’ve got you covered, in the form of a hilarious (satirical) glory hole safety guide.

This flyer, titled “Staying Safe at the Glory Hole,” provides us with a few great tips for optimum glory hole enjoyment. The cheeky image was presumably created after the British Columbia Centre for Disease Control website — in an effort to offer sex education during the Coronavirus epidemic — had experts suggesting that glory holes are a safe way to ‘get off’ while minimizing Covid spread.

“Use barriers, like walls (e.g., glory holes), that allow for sexual contact but prevent close face-to-face contact,” the British Columbia CDC said.

Here’s the image, currently circulating the web, that acts as a hilarious glory hole safety guide:

Safety First

“Before you pop your peen into a neighbour’s glory hole, consider the hole itself,” these fine folks over in British Columbia remind us. You want to make sure the circumference is smooth, with no danger of painful jagged edges. Sanitation is another great point. Now that every single one of us has traded in our multi-tools for a 5-pack of Bath and Body Works’ mini hand sanitizer in the signature scent Warm Vanilla Sugar, there’s simply no excuse for uncleanliness at the glory hole.

Don’t Be a Jerk

We all know by now that using gendered language on strangers is presumptive and inappropriate. This glory hole safety flyer suggests a few great options instead, like, “I am appreciative of this moment of tenderness” and “Can we make this quicker? My kid’s in the car.” It’s that easy.

Remember, You’re Not That Young Anymore

Let’s be honest. If you are over the age of 24, your body is rapidly deteriorating. Your knees crack when you sit down and you’ve had several conversations with your friends — friends who used to join you on full weekend benders, friends who have made bongs out of toilet paper tubes — about how none of you can “get a good night’s sleep anymore” because your “back hurts every day.” If you are standing at the glory hole, it’s imperative that you “stand with your shoulders back and knees locked.” Protect that spine.

Do you have any additional glory hole safety tips?