These Are the 11 Different Kinds of Men You’ll Meet on Queer Dating Apps

All guys on dating apps can be categorized into a few distinct groups. That’s just the honest to god truth.

It doesn’t matter how special or unique you think you are — you, like all the other guys on dating apps, have a profile similar to hundreds if not thousands of other men. (Myself very much included.) So what type of profile do you and your hookups have? Look no further.

Here are the 11 types of guys on dating apps you’re bound to meet:

1. The Discreet Dude

I understand when guys are discreet, but when they expect me to meet up with them without a pic, they’ve lost me. Like, who do you think I’m going to show your pics to — your employer? Your wife? Dude, I don’t care, but what I do care about is whether I’m attracted to the face I’d be kissing.

2. The Endless Chatterbox

He keeps talking and talking but never seems to want to meet up. Or worse, he’ll say “hi,” and you respond. He won’t respond to that message for a few days, only to say “hi” yet again. This keeps happening until you eventually block him out of frustration.

3. The Perfect Quickie

We all get horny. But even when I’m horny, and the other guy is horny, something gets in the way of us meeting up. He lives too far. I am (or at least should be) working. But when it works out perfectly and within 20 minutes he’s over at your apartment with his pants around his ankles, that’s when you love being a queer man.

4. The “Only Friends” Liar

Friends are great. I love having friends and think I’d be pretty miserable if I didn’t have any. But if you’re looking to make friends, you shouldn’t be requesting nudes … because it shouldn’t matter how big your friend’s dick is. So maybe, just maybe, you’re in fact not looking for friends (or a “gym buddy”).

5. The Open-Relationship Couple

They’re in an open relationship and looking for someone new to play with. I, for one, love this. It’s like a special two-for-one deal. But plenty of queer men hate it. They think it’s “greedy.” (Or something.) To be honest, I’ve never understood why people get so mad when they find couples on dating profiles looking for a third.

6. The Daddy

Or should I say “zaddy”? He’s hairy, in his 40s, 50s or 60s and has a beefy bod that you can’t help but find yourself attracted to. As Demi Lovato says, “Lucky for you I got all these daddy issues.”

7. The Catfisher

He looks nothing like his photos. Maybe he wasn’t using the profile pic of another person (though that can happen, too) but he was using pics from 10 years ago?

8. The Bi Guy

He’s bisexual and wants to you to know he is. That’s why he says it on his profile. No, he’s not going through a stage. Yes, he still wants to get plowed.

9. The Relationship-Only Guy

I’m all for a having a serious boyfriend. In fact, I’d go as far as saying it’s my end goal like many other guys on dating apps. But when you send me an unsolicited close-up picture of your butthole before saying anything, you have to understand my skepticism. It’s hard for me to believe you’re actually “only looking for a relationship.”

10. The Maschole/Racist/Body-Shamer

No fats. No fems. No Blacks. No Asians … and the list goes on. You can call your offensive and racist attitudes “preferences,” but just know you’re not fooling anyone, bro.

11. The One

Last but not least, you find the one. That special someone. Maybe it started with a date. Or maybe it started with casual sex that later turned into something serious. Plenty upon plenty of guys on dating apps have met their beloved hubby. Maybe it’s your turn next?

Which one of these ‘guys on dating apps’ are you?

This story was originally published on April 27, 2018. It has since been updated.