5 Sex Toy Stories to Excite, Horrify and Amaze You

Sex is weird. That’s not a knock, as a lot of great things are weird. David Lynch, for example. He’s very weird. And like David Lynch, sometimes sex is funny. We’ve recently scoured the web for our favorite weird and funny sex toy stories. So strap in — or on, as the case may be — and laugh and cringe along with us!

These are 5 of the wildest sex toy stories on the net:

1. Hackers can take over your Bluetooth butt plug and vibrate you against your will.

If you’ve followed any sort of tech news, you know the warnings about internet-enabled devices. Hackers can hack your self-driving cars. They can change your locks. And now they can turn on your butt plugs.

Researchers at Pen Test Partners demonstrated how they can discover nearby Bluetooth sex toys — in this case, a Lovesense Hush — and turn them on. As they say, “One could drive the Hush’s motor to full speed, and as long as the attacker remains connected over BLE and not the victim, there is no way they can stop the vibrations.”

They’re not out to kink-shame anybody, they just want safer toys. And since this is the future, that includes making sure your dildo has a working firewall. (How’s that for a sentence you’d never thought you’d read?)

2. Not everything that can fit in your butt belongs there.

Speaking of butt plugs, everyone should know that only things designed to go into a butt should ever be placed there. But that doesn’t stop folks from trying. In 2016, many people put a number of things inside themselves.

So, if your favorite sex toy is dirty, just clean it; don’t try to improvise. And if you try to improvise, don’t use, for example: a flashlight, a curtain rod, an egg timer, a hammer or a shot glass.

Make sure anything going into your ass has a flared base for easy retrieval, please.

3. Death doesn’t have to be the end (of anal play).

Losing a loved one is tragic, and losing your significant other is devastating. Aside from never hearing, seeing or talking to them, you’ll also never feel their tender caress ever again.

But thanks to designer Mark Sturkenboom, you can still have sex with your deceased loved one. (Without committing necrophilia, anyway.) With his 21 Grams project, Sturkenboom offers to put your lover’s remains into a small urn placed into a hand-blown glass dildo.

As Sturkenboom says, “21 Grams is not only a way to tempt a person to revive an intimate night but is a physical affirmation of love against the unavoidable passing of life.”

The toy comes in a cabinet that hosts speakers to play your lover’s favorite song, plus an atomizer you can fill with cologne.

4. United Airlines put a gay couple’s used dildo on display.

There’s no shortage of reasons to hate air travel. The massive amounts of money wasted on what’s essentially security theater; the detaining of trans people for no reason; LGBTQ discrimination by airlines. And, if you needed more reasons to hate flying, United Airlines has one for you. (Well, OK, fine, another reason.)

In May 2011, a gay couple accused the airline of removing a giant dildo from their luggage, covering it “with a greasy, foul-smelling substance,” and duct taping it to the outside of the bag. The case was dismissed in 2012 but reinstated by an appeals court in 2013.

United’s argument was two-fold. First, the company couldn’t be held liable for something done by one of its workers “outside the context of employment.” According to United, they could only be held liable if the employee’s acts were not committed out of personal animosity, counter to what the couple was claiming. United also argued the couple failed to present evidence that a United employee had done it in the first place.

Unfortunately for the couple, in 2016 the 5th Circuit Court ruled in favor of the airline. The three-judge panel ruled the couple hadn’t sufficiently proved it was airline staff who had done it.

5. In 2015, CNN confused a sex shop’s flag with an ISIS flag.

Back in 2015, CNN breathlessly reported that someone had put up an ISIS flag during London’s Gay Pride parade. That would be scary, except, well, it wasn’t. See, this is the ISIS flag:

And this is the flag that was flown during Pride:

Notice anything different?

This flag was an art project by UK artist Paul Coombs, titled #Dildosis. Coombs said his intent was to “demonstrate as much respect for ISIS and their ideology as ISIS shows for the people and religion it claims to represent.” He added, “The victimisation of an individual because of their sexuality, regarding the person as nothing more than a sex object, is highlighted in this work by the use of the dildo motif.”

What did you think about these sex toy stories? Is there another one you know about? Let us know.

This story was originally published on Oct. 9, 2017