Which of These 12 Kinky Archetypes Is Your Sexual Alter-Ego?
Your friends are hoes, and so are you! Becky has a sugar daddy, John enjoys footplay and two or more of your friends are what we refer to as “The Door Knob.” (Everybody’s had a turn.) Confused? Well, that’s because you may have not found your sexual alter-ego yet.
During your pursuit of ‘doing it,’ you’re sure to encounter many different types of people along the way, each with a different sexual spirit animal. Some like it hot, some like it wet and others want you to play their deviant little pet. (See “puppy play.”)
Whatever your flavor, we say be a ho in the know! Live your life empowered by your sexuality, enjoy a magnificent sex life and be confident and comfortable indulging in all of its glory (holes).
Unsure of your own sexual alter-ego? Check out our list of 12:
The Door Knob
The scarlet letter of sexual spirit animals, The Door Knob is not ashamed of their sexual past. Instead, they see it as the gift it is. If you happen to find yourself in a sexual position or relationship with The Door Knob, be grateful for those who have had a turn before you. As the saying goes, “Practice makes perfect,” and you’re very grateful for the tricks up this one’s sleeve — and will love it when they magically pull a rabbit out of your ass.
The Deaf Leopard
“Pour some sugar on me!” This person’s sexuality comes in the form of payment or an allowance and is reliant on a leader of the leap. Previously known as The Sugar Baby, The Porn Star or The Hooker, The Deaf Leopard has seen, heard and done it all for an orgasm. Known to say “Leave the money on the nightstand,” The Deaf Leopard sticks to a strict rate of pay, schedule and understanding of what the job entails. If you encounter The Deaf Leopard, remember: They perform for your money, not your love.
The Piggy Bank
Though sexually similar to the door knob — as someone who is comfortable being viewed publicly as filthy and deviant — The Piggy Bank desires to be viewed as simple and cute. But don’t be fooled by this one, as looks can be deceiving. The Piggy Bank always has an open slot waiting for a deposit, and is happiest when bloated and full.
The Regreter constantly wonders “When should I have sex?!” Once sex occurs, The Regreter either can’t get enough and is drawn to it like a bug to a bug zapper or realizes there’s no sexual chemistry and regrets wasting two movie dates and 86 text messages. Remember, Regreter, the right time to have sex is when you’re ready.
The Best Man/Maid of Honor
Always runner-up or the next in line, The Best Man/Maid of Honor uses personal failure of achieving marriage and children in the heteronormative time table as a source of sexual energy, releasing it in various sexual acts. The Best Man/Maid of Honor knows time is fleeting and is willing to say yes — to almost anything, or anyone, at any time. That’s quite possibly the only “yes” they’ll ever give.
The Fisherman insists they do not hookup, and their sex life resembles the “catch and release” technique. The Fisherman will bait the hook and catch a fish all for the thrill of the game with no intent of taking that catch home. The Fisherman may send a dick pic, but don’t be fooled — you won’t be getting any D.
The Spinner has created and crafted their own sexual relationships by way of a “hoe-la-dex.” The Spinner enjoys keeping a rotation of friends with benefits and does not have the time, patience or desire to commit sexually to one person. Some days The Spinner feels like a nut — sometimes four — and with their rolodex of potential partners, multiple orgasms with multiple different people is just another manic Monday.
The Kinkster enjoys sexual exploration. It began at any early age, maybe starting with grandmother’s body pillow. The Kinkster sees objects — cucumbers, vacuums, you name it — as orgasm opportunities. The Kinkster has the newest and latest orgasm devices and is knowledgeable in all 127 orgasm techniques. If you encounter The Kinkster, have a safe word in mind, as they’ll push you to your sexual limits and beyond.
The Beyoncé is aware that “Me, Myself and I” is all they have in the end and is completely comfortable riding solo. This self-serving slut will get down and dirty but prefers to do it alone. The Beyoncé knows exactly what they like, is confident in their knowledge of themselves and needs just 90 seconds of alone time.
Also known as The Caregiver, The Helper is willing to do whatever to get the job done and stays until the task is finished. Open-mindedness and a willingness to please makes The Helper perfect for a secret submission slut. Be aware, though, The Helper only helps others, not themselves. Helpers don’t think in terms of “What do I like?”
The Kodak is notorious for using sex apps and showing pictures of potential hookups to friends to validate the appearance of said hookup. The Kodak is a master at FaceTune, impromptu photo shoots, selfies and is sometimes referred to as an “Instagram model.” Known to use qualifying phrases such as “No fats, no fems,” “No blacks, no Asians” and very specific age/height requirements, The Kodak has an outdated and blurred vision of themselves and others.
The Business Executive
This little slut is one of the oldest songs-and-dances known to man. The Business Executive will orgasm on money, power and class. Often, If you look closely, you’ll notice the Business Executive’s knees match their shoe’s red bottom. This one will literally fuck to the top and have it all — houses, cars and companies! C-E-O?! The Business Executive won’t say N-O!
The 69er is known for dismantling outdated terms like “straight” or “gay” and enjoys being a sexually fluid being and seeing sexuality as a yin and yang or spectrum. The 69er is comfortable and happy dating and fucking any gender — and has. This chameleon of the sex world is too busy living and enjoying life to be hung-up on your idea on how they should live. They don’t care to entertain your opinions on who is doing whom in their bedroom. You couldn’t keep up anyway!
Which sexual alter-ego fits you best? Which other ones have you encountered?
This article was originally published on May 30, 2020. It has since been updated.