Saint Patrick Homophobic
Saint Patrick Homophobic

St. Patrick’s Day: A Story of Pagans, Homophobia and Nipple-Sucking

It’s officially St. Patrick’s Day, which means towns across the United States will be painted green and covered with drunk bros asleep on street curbs by noon. And while we are all out pretending we’re 2% Irish and binge-drinking, almost all of us look past the holiday’s actual origin. Who was St. Patrick?

Well, a man named Angus Stewart wrote into the Belfast Telegraph to teach everyone about the man known as St. Patrick.

Apparently Patrick was a big ole homophobe.

How do we reach that conclusion? Well, it’s simple: St. Patrick refused to suck on another man’s nipple.

In his autobiography, after being kidnapped and forced into slavery as a shepherd, Patrick relates his escape from Ireland. He boarded a ship without complying with the request of the (male) sailors: “I refused to suck their breasts for fear of God, but rather hoped they would come to the faith of Jesus Christ, because they were pagans” (Confession 18).

In fifth-century pagan Ireland, sucking a man’s nipple was a sign of friendship, or of the reception of protection. Patrick “refused” to engage in it to avoid any homosexual connotations.

As Angus Stewart points out, sucking on another man’s nipple was a sign of kinship. Who knew?

Maybe St. Patrick just wasn’t a fan of the Pagan nip; there’s no actual statistic for how many Catholic men’s nipples he slurped down.

And did we mention that this Angus Stewart guy is actually “Reverend Angus Stewart”? Yep, he’s a homophobe, too, and he’s making the argument that Patrick’s “homophobic tendencies” are the reason why LGBTQs shouldn’t be allowed to march in St. Patrick’s Day parades. (He should probably steer clear of Boston, where after much ballyhoo, gay veterans will be marching.)

Of course, by that same logic, St. Patrick would probably also be very confused that women can back-talk men, own their own property and — god forbid — vote.