This Reverend’s Reasoning for Excluding Gays From St. Patrick’s Day May Make Your Nipples Hard

This Reverend’s Reasoning for Excluding Gays From St. Patrick’s Day May Make Your Nipples Hard

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It’s St. Patrick’s Day, which means cities across the United States will be stained green and covered with hungover bros asleep on street curbs by noon. And while people are out drunkenly telling everyone how they’re 2% Irish, while slugging back countless, incredibly offensive Irish car bombs, most LGBTQ people are still trying to figure out whether or not we’re welcome to celebrate in the festivities.

Well, Reverend Angus Stewart took to the Belfast Telegraph to revisit the holiday’s origin, specifically, the man behind the festivities, St. Patrick himself, to prove to us all that us gays have no right to enjoy a Shamrock Shake.

According to Stewart, St. Patrick was actually a big ole homophobe.

And how did he reach that conclusion, you ask? Well, it’s simple: St. Patrick refused to suck on another man’s nipple. And by that logic, the LGBTQ community should never be allowed to march in any of the St. Patty’s day parades.

In his autobiography, after being kidnapped and forced into slavery as a shepherd, Patrick relates his escape from Ireland. He boarded a ship without complying with the request of the (male) sailors: “I refused to suck their breasts for fear of God, but rather hoped they would come to the faith of Jesus Christ, because they were pagans” (Confession 18).

In fifth-century pagan Ireland, sucking a man’s nipple was a sign of friendship, or of the reception of protection. Patrick “refused” to engage in it to avoid any homosexual connotations.

Obviously, Stewart’s theory is utter nonsense. While sucking on another man’s nipple may have indeed been a Celtic, Pagan tradition, it was a sign of kinship. St. Patrick’s refusal to suck nipples was a refusal of Paganism, not homosexuality.

There’s no actual documentation of how many Catholic men’s nipples St. Patrick slurped down.

Did you know about the history of Pagan nipple sucking and St. Patrick?

This story was originally published on March 17, 2017.

Featured image at top: Getty Images

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