When my brother was but a wee porklet, he approached our Christmas tree’s brightest crimson ornament and told my mom that he just wanted to kiss it. Within seconds, he had bitten into it, sending shards of shattered yuletide dancing merrily into his gums and turning his baby teeth into a glittered gore garden of holiday nightmares. After a trip to the emergency room, a few tears and some dazzled dookies, he was ultimately fine. But who could blame him? Those perfect, shiny, dappled spheres always look beyond delicious. So I get this whole Tide Pod challenge thing.
Staring at these luminous jellied neon honey rolls, I totally understand the impulse to pop one of these hot fuckers in my gob and enjoy the tart rush of detergent dessert. Unfortunately, they contain pesky chemicals that char your lips and scour your guts, so, thanks Obama — I guess we have to find alternative afterschool munchies.
Following the Tide Pod Challenge, might I recommend the following treats:
Pert Plus. It’s shampoo and conditioner in one. Also, it tastes like fresh English peas pureed in laurel sulfate! Its pale green metallic hues will swill around your teeth and climb down your throat with ease. Now available in convenient pumps for snacking on the go!
Shoes. You have too many! Make a sandal salad!
Toyota Yaris. Widely considered the cutest car for teenage girls and incredibly affordable, the Yaris comes in such decadent colors as Wild Cherry, Fresh Milk and Peanut Butter Splash. Buy yourself one of these puppies, put it in park, climb on top, and just start licking. Invite your friends over and have a lick off! First one who gets to the primer wins!
Pokémon. Why not combine challenges? Just track down that adorable furry yellow lunch-on-legs, hurl boiling oil onto his dastardly cheeks, and devour the cutest creature in the universe. Think of all the rewards you will get, plus how sweet will his giggles feel in your tummy?
Just open your mouth wide and run into the world! Trust me, when your jaws are completely unhinged and you sprint full-speed, mother earth will place all kinds of treasures into your piehole, free of charge! Enjoy the variety of moths, feathers, receipts, cigarette butts and ephemera that pleasantly land in your face meat.
Happy New Year. Take a moment to enjoy new trends and new flavors. See you in the hospital!