If you’ve checked out the trending news topics online today, you might have noticed the Nintendo racing game Mario Kart is trending. And while that might sound like great fun for video game fans, sadly its trending has absolutely nothing to do with the game. No, it’s far, far worse. You see, Stormy Daniels, the straight porn performer who U.S. President Donald Trump allegedly paid $130,000 to stay quiet about their 2006 extramarital affair, recently published a tell-all memoir entitled Full Disclosure. And in this Stormy Daniels memoir she offers an unflattering description of the president’s penis, comparing it to “the mushroom character in Mario Kart.” That character is named Toad, and the Toad Trump comparison has pretty much ruined the lovable video game character for everyone.
In the full description, Stormy calls Trump’s penis “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small,” adding, “He knows he has an unusual penis. … It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool … with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.”
A Yeti, in case you don’t know, is a folkloric “Abominable Snowman” monster of Nepal, kind of like a Bigfoot of the Himalayan region: It’s tall, ape-like and covered with thick hair.
Here is an animated GIF of a giant Yeti:
And Toad from Mario Kart is the personal attendant of Princess Peach, monarch of the Mushroom Kingdom. He has appeared in many of the Super Mario Brothers games since 1985. These days he wears a vest and a polka-dotted mushroom turban, and he’s lovely and helpful, unlike our president.
Regarding sex with Trump, Daniels adds, “It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”
Back in January 2018, shortly after news first broke about their affair, the gossip magazine InTouch re-published a 2011 interview in which Daniels basically called Trump a lousy lay.
At the time she said he has “a slightly shorter than average cock,” which is “very thick with a pronounced head.” She added that he needs to shave his balls (though that’s more a matter of personal preference, we suppose).
Despite the Toad Trump comparison for Trump’s penis in the new Stormy Daniels memoir, remember: It’s totally OK if your penis resembles Trump’s. Millions of people love Toad and the Yeti. Just don’t be a lousy lay.