This Artist Reimagined the Zodiac Signs as 12 Hunky Lumbersexuals
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Portland-based artist Michael Sanderson — a visual artist and designer whose work combines his interest in fashion with his “distinctly trendy Pacific Northwest sensibility” — has created Constellation Park, a collection of 16″ x 24″ prints that re-conceptualize the 12 zodiac signs as portraits of “rugged outdoorsmen,” each with an accompanying description “emphasizing (each sign’s) darker profile traits.”
They’re all quite hunky — especially if you’re an underwear or beard fetishist — but if you want one of Sanderson’s limited edition prints for yourself, it’ll cost you $50 a pop. Worry not though; we’ve republished all of them below to enjoy at no cost whatsoever.
Of course, the modern day horoscope is actually based on outdated star charts. For example, even though the sun travels through 13 zodiac constellations each year, most newspaper and online horoscopes only feature 12 zodiac signs leaving out Ophiuchus the “serpent bearer” — a sign rumored to be extremely curious, adaptable, passionate, and super jealous.
It’s also pretty bonkers to base someone’s personality and future successes entirely on the position of burning gas balls in outer space. Nevertheless, lots of folks use the zodiac as a social shorthand for understanding temperaments, relationships, and occurrences over lifetimes.
Reading over Sanderson’s descriptions, you’re likely to recognize some traits of your friends and acquaintances. Remember though (to paraphrase Shakespeare) that the faults lie not in our stars, but in ourselves.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): The brashest and boldest of the bunch. Strong body, weak mind. He’ll ram headfirst into any situation to obtain anything he has his heart set on; establishing his place in society as an alpha male to be reckoned with. If he can’t have his way through brute force, he’s got the rugged good looks to make you reconsider.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Possessive and uncompromising, he takes pride in what he owns and will see to it that everyone knows what’s his. A ruthless adversary if you’re the unfortunate owner of something he desires. He’ll leave his mark on anyone he touches, pursuing what he wants with bull’s-eye precision. Though the most tactile of the zodiac, he’s not a touch and go kind of guy — he plays for keeps.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Sibling rivalry within keeps the dynamic Gemini in a constant battle between two sides of “themselves.” however; two minds are always better than one, if only they could agree to work together and join forces great things could be achieved. Anything you can do, you can do better; you can do anything better than you. Right?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): One of the few who finds security in being tied up. For the sentimental Cancer, tying the knot is a matter of life and death when you’re climbing such great heights for the one you love. It’s a long fall down; so slow and steady does it now. Keep on clinging on.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): One of the most loyal guys around, for the small price of all your attention. He’s hungry for your praise so keep feeding his ego or he’ll eat you alive. The vain and charismatic Leo lives for your love; lay it on thick and this king of beasts will help you thrive in the social jungle.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): He believes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. Not one to be a trailblazer by any definition; the diligent, straight-laced Virgo plays by the field guide and remains confident, so long as he keeps on the beaten path. What he lacks in imagination he makes up for in direction and will most certainly find his way.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Shallow and idealistic, he’s full of such contradictions and uses his diplomatic reputation to mine something of worth and beauty out of the rockiest of situations. Assessing value on his own weighted scale; should he decide the work outweighs the reward, he’ll likely abandon the dig entirely. Always weighing his options and looking for a shinier, more attainable find. He’s not one to dig too deep, really.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): His presence is sharply felt but he’ll see to it his absence stings even more. Intensity and brilliance both manifest from a cold, dark place, in which scorpio thrives with his thick, hard exterior. Every chip on his shoulder is an education he’ll use to chip away at yours. The thicker the ice grows, the higher he’ll climb.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): The original wolf in sheep’s clothing; the socially adaptable Sagittarius will learn a variety of information, skills and personas to build his arsenal of characters in garnering the trust of his potential prey. He lives for the thrill of the hunt but also in fear of being captured himself; for nothing is worse in his mind than being in a cage, or a trophy on someone else’s wall. In his eyes letting you go is an act of mercy; why’re you mad?
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): His home is his kingdom. Cold, discerning and materialistic, the driven capricorn puts more effort into material gains than personal connections; but he can be quite the charmer if, of course, you’re in the position to help him advance higher up the echelon. He’s a sucker for a crown. A true ice king. Let it go, bro.
Aquarius ( January 20 – February 18): Aquarius is thirsty; in every sense of the word. He’s a believer in quantity over quality; more is more and his cup runneth over. He spreads himself thin and is looking to meet as many people as possible, while never remaining stagnant. Innovative and witty, he’s respected by many but close to few. As distant as an ocean and just as spontaneous. It’s hard to hold water in your hands for long so drink him up while you can.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Row, row, rowing his boat gently down the stream; life is but a dream to the critically laid back Pisces. Going wherever the flow takes him without so much as making a ripple. Easy to catch but hard to keep; it’s in his nature to drift away without having much to say on the matter. He’ll cooly remind you there’s plenty of fish in the sea.