Welcome to 2018, a time when everyone on the planet is giving you a lot. Everyone is deeply woke about how we demand our repurposed açai poke sliders. Everyone needs that premium seat at the Cineplex, complete with reclining, massaging calf pillows and limited-batch signature booze creations, while we livestream our review of this movie that we are hating because it doesn’t see us. Everyone’s famous and ‘hashtag blessed’ and every detail about our lives is so fascinating and documented forever.
Basically, we are all terrified and screaming into each other’s assholes as we try to pretend the world isn’t spinning furiously into unfixable chaos.
But on the other hand, what a wonderful time to be here. Seriously. Our children are calling BS. Our women are saying #TimesUp. Our superheroes have us chanting “Wakanda Forever.” And our Olympics is gay gay gay, baybayyy!
Freestyle skier and silver medalist Gus Kenworthy has rightly earned endorsements from Head & Shoulders, United Airlines, Visa, Toyota, Samsung, Ralph Lauren, Chobani and more. And I will continue to rejoice whenever I see his iconic mug on anything and everything.
So it’s perplexing to me that the darling, talented, witty Adam Rippon, who is the first openly gay figure skater to compete in the Olympics and last week took the bronze, has only been approached by Sally Field.
So I made a list of a few companies/brands/whatevers who should be honored to use Adam’s perfect jib to sell them millions.
Here are 5 surefire Adam Rippon endorsements:
1. Lucky Charms
OK, first of all, fuck Wheaties. It tastes like driftwood swamp ass and for decades has mercilessly scoured many a helpless hopeful athlete rectum. And cute that they finally got it right and gave Greg Louganis his box two years ago, but too little too late, Nasty Flakes! Lucky Charms is the embodiment of gay magic — drunk with color, sick with sugar and now stuffed with Magical Unicorns!
I’ve long thought this delightful yet forgotten stepsister of Coke and Fresca has needed an overhaul. It’s colorless and caffeine-free, like an episode of 7th Heaven, so it needs all the help it can get. Why not employ this dazzling impish ice wizard sprite to help sell Sprite?
I don’t really know how Groupon works, but it seems to infuriate cheap people who think they are getting good deals but instead get stuck sucking slop buckets with other penny-pinching pieces of puke. Why not rebrand and call it the Rippon? At least there will be truth in advertising.
4. Burger King
They have long been pro-LGBT, the Whopper is motherfucking mouthwatering perfection and a few years ago when I was licking trash can lids to stay alive, they graciously hired me to be in some of their commercials. And wouldn’t you prefer to see Adam’s gorgeous face selling you meat nuggets as opposed to the nightmarish visage of that creepy plastic killer in a crown?
5. Subway, Jello Pudding or whatever Ryan Lochte hocked
Because nobody wants their goods brought to them by garbage monsters.