As an avid consumer of weed and anal sex, I immediately got turned on when I heard about cannabis-infused lube. Finally, the great tastes of cannabis and copulation brought together in a single tube. So I drove to my nearest pot merchant and snagged Velvet Swing, a “sensual” lubricant that boasts stronger orgasms for one out of four women and genital tingling and warmth for others.
Even though I’m not a woman, the budtender assured me that the product would still work on my hind quarters. So I picked up a $39 tube and sped home to use it with my partner.
Basically, cannabis-infused lube works by being absorbed by the body’s mucous membranes, sensitive areas with lots of capillaries. These capillaries draw in the lube’s THC and CBD chemicals, theoretically dilating the blood vessels and increasing the area’s sensitivity and sensation.
But vaginas have lots of mucous membranes inside of it — penises, not so much. So if you slather a bunch on your penis, it’s not gonna start feeling all magical and blissed out like if you were smoking a blunt with Bob Marley playing on a sunny day.
No. The lube itself has the color and consistency of caramel yogurt and a faint floral smell which was sweet at first, but I later wondered if they added that smell because “women like flowers.”
It’s also water-based with no oil, so you can use it on sex toys and condoms without worry. But it’s not a “lube”so much as a lotion. If you use it for anal sex, you’ll have to reapply lots of it as the friction gradually wears it down.
The product’s website says it won’t get you high unless you “use it anally or orally.” And I did, dear reader. Oh yes, I did.
I put some on my demon tunnel (using “Old Blue,” my dildo), smeared some on my nads, my ween and also a modest amount on my teeny dime-sized nipples because you people depend on serious journalists like me to thoroughly investigate products you might one day slather onto your nether regions.
It’s supposed to take 20 to 40 minutes to reach full potency, so I watched an episode of Queer Eye while occasionally pawing at my junk and nips, hoping to feel a tingling warmth, increased horniness or anything.
Sadly, I didn’t feel any of those things. In fact, as my bedtime approached, all I felt was a teeny bit stoned, possibly because this cannabis-infused lube contains three times more THC (the intoxicating psychoactive neurochemical) than CBD (the non-intoxicating neurochemical that relaxes the body).
If I had used the lube for an actual full-on sex session, it’s entirely possible that I would’ve gotten a serious case of butt-munchies, making my butt hungry for more lovin’. But as it was, any cis guy seeking full-body euphoria and tingling for your lovemaking session should just smoke an actual joint and crank up the Bob Marley instead.
You’ll get all the enhanced physical sensations and tripped-out bliss for only a fraction of the cost. Although you’ll also want to keep water and gummy worms nearby, in case you dry out or find the munchies dropping by.