Phallic Field Guide: The 12 Penises You’re Sure to Uncover in the Wild

As you probably already know, penises come in all shapes and sizes. But no one has yet created an exhaustive “field guide” of all the different types of penis you’ll find out in the wild.

Worry not, wild adventurer! Here’s a short list of the types of penises you may come across in the wilderness. Feel free to add a new category in the comments if we forgot one!

Also, if you’re a fan of penises, check out all of our past coverage on dicks.

These are the 12 types of penis you’ll find in the wild. Which one looks most like yours?

1. The Knight

Like a knight’s sword, this cock is often long and thin and distinguished by perfect horizontality and harmonious proportions, from the base to the head. Also called “The Sharpened Pencil,” it doesn’t play around and has only one credo: Get straight to the point!

2. The Banana

“The Banana” takes its nickname from its upwards curved shape and its slightly thinner end. It’s also the type of penis you’ll likely meet the most. Even though its exact size and angled curve depends on its owner, everybody agrees that it has the perfect morphology to give you pleasure and tickle your G-spot.

3. Captain Hook

Curled down, Captain Hook is the perverse little brother of “The Banana.” The inclination of its atypical shape can make every penetration difficult (or quite acrobatic). If you like to try new positions or discover new erogenous zones, this is the one, matey!

4. The Perrier Bottle

With a wide base that tapers off near the top, “The Perrier Bottle” isn’t the most refined penis, but it knows very well how to use its shape to offer you a two-speed rodeo. It’s sometimes compared to the Eiffel Tower or even to a challenging dildo. With its challenging girth, one thing is for certain: You won’t need to wait until July 4th to see fireworks — POW! BANG! ZOOM!

5. The Burrito

For those who like super-sized meals, The Burrito is able to quench all appetites. Big, thick and meaty, you’ll never know where to start with this two-handed meal! You’ll almost regret biting off more than you can chew! (Almost.) You start with a bite, then two, before completely eating it and asking for more! Those who are on a diet can also try “The Gnocchi,” the light version of The Burrito” — it’s just as thick but significantly shorter.

6. The Pinocchio

While soft, it may seem cute and small. But don’t judge a book by its cover! This Pinocchio is deceptive and has more than one trick up its sleeve! When you see how strong (and large) it becomes when aroused, you only have one wish: To make him tell lots and lots of lies!

7. The Chilly One

When it’s not under the spotlights, The Chilly likes its cosiness. It always keeps its head warm under a prominent cap of foreskin. But with a minimal amount of confidence and a certain ‘savoir faire,’ it will surely agree to take off its hat. The opposite of these are uncut penises that are much more exhibitionist and like outdoor games.

8. The Lord of the Rings

Well-groomed and fashionable, The Lord of the Rings never goes out without its jewels and its precious Prince Albert ring. Soft, this type of penis can inspire you with a strange feeling of wonder. But once in full shape, it will certainly use its royal power to get you on your knees. It’s one of the most glamorous types of penis!

9. The Lazy One

The Lazy One is no pain hoping for a lot of gain! Take a look at it under the shower and you have the feeling of being in front of a full package. But once in bed, this one is the king of idlers and doesn’t offer you the extra inches you expected. If you get a biggie that remains large and soft in bed, you may love it, but others will certainly tell it to “Sashay away!”

10. The Mushroom

Of all the types of penis, this one looks like a ‘champignon de Paris’ (a button mushroom) with its huge glans on a rather slim penis. If you want to pick one, always make sure to use a lot of lube! Otherwise its owner will always remember your first introduction, and not in a good way.

11. The ‘Sia’

Hidden behind an abundant amount of hair, the ‘Sia’ doesn’t like to reveal its identity. Sometimes we even wonder if it’s not an urban legend. But then we give it a hand and realize that there is a small piece of meat waiting and ready to shout “I’m aliiive.” When this wild bush is tamed, it’s a tireless worker!

12. The Boy Next Door

Unlike other types of penis, this one is neither too large nor too small, neither too big nor too thin. And unlike the boy in the song, you might want to ignore him at first. After all, he’s simply too plain to really notice. But like in the song, once you really open your eyes, you’ll eventually fall in love with him.

This article was originally published on November 3, 2020. It has since been updated.