One of most common struggles faced by couples is a lack of sex, or sex that is no longer fun or interesting. I get asked this question all the time in my clinical office, on my podcast and even at dinner parties and events. “How do I bring back the spark?”
Although a longer-term relationship can’t “go back” to the magic of its early crush and courtship, a spark can reignite by adding new forms of eroticism.
The reasons for sex can evolve, and so should the ways that sex happens. A few tweaks can make sex more fun for those who are sexually compatible and full of chemistry.
Here are 7 ways to bring back the spark into your sex life:
1. Don’t Let It Go!
The best way to keep sex a priority and a frequent occurrence is to start your relationship off sexually hot and to keep it that way.
Discuss that you miss sex, and explore why it may have disappeared or have become boring. This discussion may be awkward or uncomfortable, but it’s a sign of care.
3. Prioritize Sex
Commit to sex. Commit to making time and reserving energy for it. To prioritize sex is to prioritize your relationship. It’s an investment and an act of care for both.
4. Eroticize Your Partner Daily
One of the gems I drop often is to eroticize your partner on a daily basis. This is a great cure for disappearing sex. Everyday you should engage in some act of sexuality, sensuality or romanticism. This keeps you in a sexualized dynamic. Leave friendship for your friends. Leave love notes, sext, have sex, flirt, touch, talk dirty, kiss — acknowledge your partner and create eroticism and romance every day.
Sometimes sex disappears because the sex you’re having isn’t worth wanting. Ask for the type of sex you want. As we get more committed, we can also get more anxious revealing ourselves sexually. It becomes too vulnerable because we feel fragile with a partner whom we highly desire. Do it anyway, as this is the only way to have truly authentic sex. Assumptions and mind reading lead to the worst sex.
Newness and novelty are the most arousing sexually. Most people fall into sexual patterns and habits, both born out of comfort and laziness, and this makes sex less interesting and hot. Switch things up — when you have sex, where you have sex, what you do sexually. Also allow all bodily fluids, sounds and movements. Don’t hold back.
7. Kink It Up
We are all far kinkier than we allow to be known. Seek out and add fetishes to spice it up. As a sex therapist I help heal boring sex lives by helping patients uncover and discover kinks. Also, remember that sex is far larger than just penetration. Toys, fingers, tongues and your entire body are part of sexuality and pleasure.