Since 1950, the New York Friars Club has famously hosted blistering roasts in which the classiest of comedians have waxed poetic about the splendid grandeur of Milton Berle’s cock, the kicky merriment of Lucille Ball’s drunkenness or the puzzling wizardry of James Franco’s homo-obsession. Now aired on television, the Comedy Central roast is a zirconia-crusted zeppelin fire that I’ve always witnessed with clinched teeth.
These celebrities have to appear to love every jab and dig, but oh my god, some of those zingers will sting in the morning. But one cannot appear on such a show and be nice — that would be the ultimate insult.
And in today’s climate, in which everyone is triggered and shook and woke, I feel like these roasts serve an important function: They are a reminder that we are all assholes, and that no one should take themselves or each other so seriously.
The cable network just announced this week that the next Comedy Central roast will be that of … Bruce Willis.
OK. Sure. Why not?
I mean, he’s great, and Moonlighting still holds up brilliantly — and yes, straight dudes, Die Hard is awesome — but of all people, Bruce Willis?
I can think of so many better honorees perfect for a Comedy Central roast. Consider the following:
1. Martha Stewart
She was spectacular at the Beiber bash. Wouldn’t it be so fun to see Kevin Hart and Ludacris returning shots at her, along with the likes of Cybil Shepherd, Ana Gasteyer, Ryan Raftery and everyone else who’s played her before? That would be a good thing.
2. David Letterman
Can you believe he’s never been roasted by the Friars Club? He held his Late Night send-off there, and he’s famously skewered other folks for years, so when can we see him get his? I call on you, Madonna, Drew Barrymore, Sandra Bernhard, Crispin Glover — make this happen!
I hate this bald little pukey cartoon bitch. What’s honestly appealing about this milk-skinned medium Canadian who enjoys good manners and naps? Come on, Dora, Velma, Angelica Pickles — draaaaaaaaag her!
4. The good Lauras (Dern, Linney, San Giacomo) versus the bad Lauras (Ingraham, Schlessinger, Ingalls Wilder)
Oh, come on! Her books were shamefully on the wrong side of history (team Nellie Oleson all the way!). And you know you’d love seeing Citizen Ruth scream at that Fox News harpy, “Suck the shit out of my ass, you fucker!”
5. Olivia de Havilland
Now that she lost her latest lawsuit, and her much-maligned sister is no longer with us, this centennial queen needs new sparring partners! Someone, please go to Bel Air and scoop up anyone who’s still alive — I’m sure they have some beef with this beast!
You’re welcome, Hollywood!