Editor’s Note: This comedic piece on who bit Beyoncé is intended to be just that: comedic. Don’t sue us, Kristin Chenoweth.
OK, first of all, can we just thank the sweet green Earth for giving us Tiffany Haddish?
Yes, she’s poisonously hilarious, and we all would love to get blitzkrieged on Bubba Kush and get into all kinds of mischief with her. But also, she dishes the best celebrity stories, somehow without kissing ass or making the celebrities look terrible.
Her hysterical Will and Jada Groupon yarn on Jimmy Kimmel Live actually made Mr. and Mrs. Smith seem like real human beings for the first time since Set It Off.
So it’s no surprise that today we have put the world on pause because Tiffany has revealed that someone — a famous actress — bit Beyoncé on the face at a party last December!
Wait a minute — what?!
Someone got so crazy so drunk in love to the left to the left I am not home in my own home that she bit Queen Bey on the face?!
And even crazier, Sasha Fierce seems to be perturbed that Tiffany is telling people, singing “If they’re tryna party with the queen, they gon’ have to sign a non-disclosure.” What about the shitclown who bit your face, Deena Jones? And who did it?
Everyone (mainly Chrissy Teigen) is guessing who chomped the Naughty Girl, so I will too. Here is my rogues gallery of potential masticating nasties:
1. Sean Young, dressed as Catwoman
After licking all the milk off her plate and hacking the dark web, Sean got the coordinates of the Beyoncé/Jay Z bash, scaled a wall, scurried in through the kitchen, hid in the corner of the room licking her paws and taking her time. When Beyoncé’s cheek was on full display, she leapt across the dance floor and pounced! Then she handed out headshots.
2. Kristin Chenoweth
Few people know that this sweet-seeming starlet and Lady Lemonade have battled a hate-fueled feud that started at The Pink Panther crafty table in 2006. Don’t bring up Red Vines around either of them!
3. Kendall Jenner
Three words: more Pepsi drama.
4. Stacey Dash
Because her reps told her that starring in Sharknado 4 and licking Sean Hannity’s heiny hole didn’t make her quite horrible enough.
5. Zombie Maya Angelou
Everyone thought it would be a great idea to invite the reanimated and proud poetess to the party. Unfortunately, she just wanted to eat people.