On June 22, 2018, the video game company Nintendo will release Mario Tennis Aces, a sports game featuring characters from the massively popular Super Mario Brothers platform game. In anticipation for the game’s release, Nintendo has released promotional images showing Mario and his brother Luigi in athletic poses. Naturally, the internet saw the minor-to-nonexistent bulge in Luigi’s shorts and immediately calculated how big his penis his. (Luigi’s penis is 3.7 inches flaccid, by the way, which fits the human average.) But even funnier are the Twitter reactions of people who cannot imagine why anyway would want to know a video game character’s penis size.
The picture, which you can see below, shows Luigi breaking his racket, a slight bulge in his white, ribbed, athletic shorts. As with most bulges, it’s tough to tell which way his digital dong dangles. But that hasn’t stopped people from trying.
They’re also happy apparently that Luigi has a penis at all. (His brother Mario has an uncircumcised penis as well, if you remember.)
The difference between Tumblr and Twitter is that Twitter users are all upset about Luigi's dick bulge because they're so fucking basic and Tumblr users are doing Algebra to figure out that it's roughly 3.7" flacid and they're so happy for him to have a dick. pic.twitter.com/BlQynFRaZd
— Christopher Butcher (@Comics212) March 15, 2018
But the Twitter reactions have been really hilarious:
The fact people are tying to figure out Luigi's dick size because of Mario Tennis Aces artwork proves how disgusting most of you are and that human race is a mistake
— Toad (@thatunotoad) March 15, 2018
mario's got nipples luigi's got a dick bulge next we're gonna be seeing bowser's asshole
— Paul 🐇 (@pauliewx) March 13, 2018
This sounds more serious than I want it to be. The thing is some of y'all weirdos think too much and have dirty minds. Y'all really think Nintendo took the time to make sure Luigi's dick was present in a kids game about tennis? Come on.
— Stupid Pussy Baby Bitch (@buttoflogan) March 12, 2018
If you’re curious how they came to determine Luigi’s penis size, they measured the length of his tennis racket handle, and, by comparing it to the size of an average tennis racket handle, calculated a 10.8 pixel to one inch ratio.
Observers also noticed that Luigi also has very sleek legs. (Perhaps he shaves them?) He also has cankles.
Naturally, there’s lots of erotic drawings and fan-fiction of Mario and Luigi actually using his (ahem) “mushroom” (and speculation that evil King Bowser is actually a strong lesbian woman). But we prefer these tastefully sexy pics of quasi-gay-incestual Super Mario cosplay — it’s all of the fun without exposing younger players to accidental digital bulge.
Oh, and for the record, critical Twitter users: Lots of people want to have sex with male video game characters.